The second episode of supernatural aired on 20/September/2005, over 20 years ago, (don’t talk to me about it), and if you ask me what I think the scariest episode of Supernatural is, I can pretty much guarantee you my answer has always been and will always be Wendigo.

On its surface, it’s a pretty simple episode. People are disappearing in the remote backwoods of the Rocky Mountains with just enough suspicious regularity that the Winchester’s don’t think it’s all the work of a grizzly. So Sam and Dean go to investigate, flirt and fight with the locals (mostly Dean), find a monster and have a few intimately fire lit heart to hearts.

All standard Supernatural stuff.

This is also only the second episode of the series, so we have to reestablish a lot of what was covered in the pilot. But it does this in a much looser and scattered kind of way.

I have seen this episode a lot.

For years every time I would embark on a Supernatural rewatch, I would always start at the beginning, so I have seen the first few episodes many, many times.

Wendigo is an episode I think very fondly of. I will tell you it’s one of the essential episodes of the show. I will tell you that it’s great.

Until I watch it, because frankly, it’s a little bit of a mess. It’s a mess in a way that ultimately works for it, which is something we will come back to later, but probably not the essential viewing that I build it up to in my head.

I think my over-estimation comes from two places.

First is that I find this episode genuinely scary. I am a city girl. I don’t camp. So the horror parts of this really work for me.

The second is that this episode delivers what is possibly the defining line of Supernatural.

In one of those intimate fire lit heart to hearts Dean tells Sam that by leaving his journal behind, their dad was telling them to pick up where he left off,

saving people, hunting things, the family business.

This is the line everybody quotes. The line everybody knows. It pretty neatly sums up the entire ethos of the show. At times, years later in the show’s run, an episode would drop this line into the “previously on” section at the start of an episode, and it would feel like a course correction. Like the show reminding itself what it’s all about.

It is the moment that is constantly being returned to, this is Supernatural’s North Star - and the fact that it happens in the messy, scattered, repetitive second episode is kinda crazy. So it elevates the whole episode by simply being in it.

We pick about a week after the Pilot.

One thing I have always liked about Supernatural is that there is a real sense of time passing. With some TV shows it feels like the characters only exist when we watch them, or the show only covers a few days/weeks and we see everything. We do not see everything Sam and Dean do. They have time between episodes that we don’t see, but sometimes we hear about. Later in the series, when issues of narration come up, and the viewers are left feeling a bit uneasy about who is telling the story, and who is deciding which parts we see, these unseen moments become more important. And oh yes, I will be talking about it. But not yet.

With this episode I just kinda like thinking about Sam and Dean together in Stanford for a week. What did they do? Sam is grieving, Dean is not the best person for helping someone with grief, they’re already geared up to snap at each other constantly even without that. Sam’s apartment burned down. Did they share a motel room together? Did Dean meet Sam’s friends? Or Jess’s family? Just some food for thought.

The episode opens with a dream sequence. We know it’s a dream sequence because the sun is shining and it’s brightly lit, which never happens in reality during Supernatural seasons 1-5.

Sam is taking flowers to Jess’s grave and blaming himself for her death. Of course because this is a horror show that pays homage to every horror text that came before, Jess’s hand breaks through the grave dirt to grab Sam, a la Carrie.

Sam jerks awake in the Impala, and Dean is so disturbed by his brother’s mental state that he offers to let him drive.

It’s almost played off as a joke. But everyone involved, viewers and characters, knows that coming from Dean this is about as serious as he gets. No, he isn’t the best person to have around in times of crisis, and he doesn’t really know how to handle it, but he tries. Which is something we will see him do, with varying degrees of success through out this episode.

Sheila O’Malley says in her recap of the episode,

Dean Winchester may not be okay, but he needs everyone around him to be okay, so okay?

Part of this comes from the responsibilities he took on at far too young an age, his constant moderating of Sam’s general well being is woven so tightly into who Dean is that he’ll never stop. The other part of this is that Dean is someone who wants to be in control, but never feels like he is. He doesn’t know how to be in control, so he is constantly trying to make sure everyone around him is ok, even though he doesn’t really know what to do when they aren’t, “do you wanna drive for a bit?”

Dean coming up to moments where he needs to be in control and failing, is a theme of the episode. He is incredibly empathetic, he never turns it on himself, but he does get people. He doesn’t always use his empathy in empathic ways, he can figure out what makes a person tick, and turn that around to get exactly what he wants. But it is clear that empathy always proceeds manipulation, and not the other way around.

We see it in the first scene we get once they get to the coordinate’s John left them in the last episode. They stop at the ranger station to do some digging on Blackwater Ridge.

At this point they only know where they’re going, not why. But they figure it out pretty quick. A few kids who went camping haven’t been heard from in a few days, but they had the proper permits and experience and it’s not past their expected return date yet, so the ranger isn’t worried.

But the ranger is being hassled by Haley, the sister of one the missing campers. She’s the one who says they’re missing because he uses a satellite phone to check in everyday, and he missed the last few days.

This is a short exposition scene, but Dean does so much here. He’s never met Haley, but he gets a pretty good read on her from the tiny bit the ranger shares. He figures her out, and he also figures out how to talk about her to the ranger.

Because Dean has far more respect for Haley then he lets on when talking about her the ranger. The ranger is old school; women worry too much and why can’t they just let him do his job in peace. Dean clocks it right away. His whole interaction with the ranger becomes “women, am I right?” Dean matches the ranger here, he comes in, calls Haley a pistol, agrees that she can be a bit much, exasperating, in the way, pushy: and essentially offers to take her off his plate. Hey, dude, do this for me, and I’ll get her to stop hassling you. Man to man.

Those are not his real feelings for Haley. He’s never even meet Haley, but he already likes her. She’s hassling law enforcement. She’s not taking no for answer. Most importantly, her brother is missing and she’s gonna find him! Obviously Dean likes her.

But his empathy, his ability to read people and figure out what they want, and how they want to interact is what gets him the information that he needs. And it’s a skill he relies on throughout the whole show.

The pilot spent a lot of time establishing Sam and Dean, and this episode spends a lot of time complicating Sam and Dean.

It’s the first episode that preforms the bait and switch that will become common in Supernatural. If there is a bad boy/good boy dichotomy (and there is), we all know which one Sam is, and which one Dean is.

Or do we?

The pilot built Sam up as the good boy, the smart one, the logical one, the one who cares about peoples feelings. Dean is the bad boy, he’s on the road, he’s got no attachments, he doesn’t care what you think, he’s got a cool car and leather jacket and doesn’t give a fuck.

This episode kind of turns that on its head.

And it’s something we’ll see the show do again and again, to the point that it became something of joke. The brothers have to have conflict, and the show kept finding ways to have them switch sides. While it does become standard operating procedure for Supernatural, it still feels fresh here.

Let’s take a moment to talk about the monster of the week.

Yes, there’s something in the woods at Blackwater Ridge. And no, it’s not a grizzly.

It’s a Wendigo.

Like the Woman In White (or La Llarona) from episode one, the Wendigo is a deeply established folklore creature. They come from the Algonquin speaking people who live and lived in what is now parts of eastern Canada, around Quebec, but also into the north Eastern United States and as far west as the Great Lakes. (Dean does say he’s never heard of one as far west as the Rockies.)

They also exist both as a warning, and monster, just like the Woman In White. Typically she is used to keep children from wandering too close to the water, and I go into more detail about what her specific warning for Sam and Dean is in my post on the Pilot.

A Wendigo is both something that you could become, and something that might eat you. Like all myths, there are plenty of variations, but the core is the same. A Wendigo is a creature who used to be human, but became monstrous after consuming human flesh.

In her essay on depictions of Wendigos in Canadian literature, Margery Atwood writes,

fear of the Wendigo is twofold: fear of being eaten by one, and fear of becoming one.

In a nice little exposition drop, Dean does tell us how Wendigos come to be, but our characters here really only need to worry about the first fear. Of course there is more the Wendigo than just eat or be eaten.

Atwood also says,

the Wendigo is seen as the personification of winter, or hunger, or spiritual selfishness, and indeed the three are connected: winter is a time of scarcity, which gives rise to hunger, which gives rise to selfishness.

No one here is in danger of becoming a Wendigo. (Dean brought M&Ms, so they have plenty to eat), but selfishness is definitely an issue.

This whole episode centers around Sam’s selfishness butting up against Dean’s empathy.

And that is our bait and switch. The good boy isn’t supposed to be selfish. And the Bad Boy isn’t supposed to put the lives of others before his own needs, but this is Supernatural, so that’s exactly what happens.

Haley is freaking out because she doesn’t know where her brother is. Dean is freaking out because he knows where is brother is, but he is no longer sure about who his brother is.

Sometimes Supernatural is more subtle in tying the monster of the week to the over-all emotional arc of the Winchesters, but here it’s just holding up a flashing neon sign saying “we are worrying about brothers”

Sam has blinders on, all he wants is to find his dad, find what killed Jess, and get back to his real life. There is a feeling through this episode, and frankly, for a lot of the first season, that Sam sees this whole thing as an extended interlude. He hasn’t quite committed to the idea the idea that this is his life now. He’s here for a purpose, and then he’ll get back to normal.

Sam doesn’t have time to care about some missing kids in the backcountry.

But even without the we are worrying about brothers connection, Dean is ready to make time. This is what he does. As sweet, adorable, empathic Dean, who doens’t think he can fix himself so he tries to fix everyone else says,

I mean I figure our family’s so screwed to hell, maybe we can help some others.

Dean can’t see the forest through the trees, he is aware the Winchesters as a whole, as unit, are kind of lost, but doens’t see how not to be. Even if he doesn’t admit it, on a subconscious level he knows how damaging their life can be. He can see how it’s affected John Winchester. Dean may be a daddie’s boy, but even this early on he is picking and choosing what elements of John to emulate. He may not see a different future for himself, but he can want one for everyone else.

As the season goes on it will make explicitly clear, that Sam and John have more in common than either one would like to admit. They butt heads not in spite of their similarities, but because of them.

Margret Atwood talks about “going Wendigo,” the madness and insanity that comes along with being alone in the wilderness for too long.

Dean Winchester knows all about the madness and insanity that comes along with obsessing over one tragedy, one loss, one threat for too long.

So no, there is no danger of anyone in this story “going Wendigo,” but Sam is in real danger of “going John Winchester,” and that is a bleak future Dean has reserved for himself, not his baby brother.

The bulk of this episode happens in the woods.

Haley has taken it upon herself to hire guide, since the rangers won’t help her find her brother, she’ll do it herself.

Dean and Sam take it upon themselves to tag along, because they know it’s not a grizzly.

(Also I googled it: there are no grizzly’s in Colorado. There used to be, but it is no longer part of their range. So like the Wendigo, even the Grizzly is a threat pushing into areas it shouldn’t be. It’s one thing to be threatened in the woods, but to be threatened by things that shouldn’t even be there is much worse.)

And what we get are a whole bunch of scenes of people running around the woods in various degrees of distress. Like I said it’s a messy episode. A lot of these scenes feel and look exactly the same as the others, and editing must have been a nightmare.

It works because so much of Sam and Dean relationship is up in the air right now. Sam doens’t want to be there. Dean is trying and failing to navigate an adult relationship with his brother, while still taking care of him. He’s also trying to out man the hired guide, flirt with Haley, convince a bunch of people that the supernatural exists and save everyone

Dean tends to do a lot. Dean treats life like a finger trap, he thinks pulling harder will make things easier.

It’s not the smoothest episode, but a bunch of people running around the woods screaming somehow just fits with the overall mood of the moment.

It’s messy, but so is everything, so we don’t get a neat and tidy polished looking episode. It’s a metaphor dudes. Sam and Dean are lost in the woods, but like also, they are lost in the woods.

It is Sam who steps up here when Dean fails at being in charge. He manages to corral everyone, calm people down enough for the Winchesters to put together a plan and figure out what exactly it is they are hunting.

All the while, they are being hunted as well. They are never not being watched from the woods. Sometimes the camera is just a camera, and sometimes we are seeing things through the eyes of the Wendigo.

The threat in this episode is constant, which I think was necessary here in episode two. Sam and Dean are never just hunters who find a monster to kill and move on to the next. There is a level of threat and observation that has and will follow them their whole lives. The types, level, and meaning of these threats and observations will shift and change over the course the entire series. At this point it’s not part of the bigger picture, but it is a good bit a layering. The audience is already starting to understand that the Winchesters will play both active and passive roles in their own lives.

Of course our group gets split up. The hired guide dies, because no one gets to out-man Dean Winchester and live. At least not yet.

Dean and Haley are captured, and if you thought those M&M’s were unimportant, you have obviously never heard of Hansel and Gretel or ET. Dean leaves a trail, so that Sam and Haley’s other brother, who I haven’t mentioned, but he’s been a surly presence the entire time, can follow them to the Wendigo’s hideaway.

Haley’s brother is the last of the campers left alive, and in surprisingly good shape all things considered.

So now we come to our monster showdown. Which happens in an abandoned mineshaft, because honestly, where the fuck else is it supposed to happen?

Dean sends the reunited siblings off with Sam, and baits the Wendigo to draw him away and give them a chance to escape.

Is it intended to be a self sacrificing moment? I don’t think so necessarily, I think Dean assumes that he will take down the monster. But I also think Dean absolutely believes better him than anyone else. It’s not a kamikaze mission, but if it winds up that way, Dean is ready. Which is actually tragic when you think about. He’s only 26, he figures this is how he’s gonna go out anyway, and if can save someone else’s family, it’s worth it.

Jana Riess makes the argument that, “humor not only entertains but also signals which of the characters is in control”, specifically that verbal humor is more often used to indicate a character in control, and physical humor removes control.

Dean is always trying to assert control of a situation with humor, it will come up again and again. And here is no different. He taunts the monster with snarky one liners in his effort to tame his own fears while diverting the Wendigo’s attention from the others.

Dean also has a tendency to taunt monsters with promises of how good he tastes. I’m not sure what that says about his control of a situation, but it does say things. In the future there will much to say about the shows handling of gender roles, sexism, feminism (and lack there of), but I find it hard to be as critical as some people are when the male lead, who is portrayed with all the stereotypes of masculinity, is constantly sexualizing himself in the face of danger.

But for now, no one else get eaten up, the Wendigo is destroyed and both sets of siblings leave the woods intact and having agreed on a solid “it was just a grizzly” story to give all relevant emergency personal.

Haley and Dean have a moment and look dudes, I ship it. They coulda been great. I honestly wish we got more Haley.

But more importantly, Sam and Dean have a moment. The sitting on the Impala’s hood, talking about feelings moment. I mean the don’t really talk about feelings. Dean assures Sam that they will find their dad. They agree that camping is the worst: same boys, same.

And Sam finally takes Dean up on his offer to drive.

The episode ends with the brothers understanding the adult versions of each other a little better. Dean learns that Sam isn’t as perfect as he always thought, and Sam is slowly learning that Dean cares more then he understands. At the end, when Sam takes Dean up on his offer to drive, it’s a step away from the selfish version of himself he was becoming. I don’t think Sam cares about driving. But he does care about Dean, and he’s learning that even though Dean cares more than he thought, but he doens’t always know how to care. So driving is Sam’s way of letting Dean care the only way he knows how. Sam is placing Dean’s need ahead of his own when he takes the keys; he can show Dean he cares, but letting himself be cared for.

It’s a total fucking chick flick moment.

I hate being neurodivergent, because I have a whole-ass list of shit I wanna do.

Not even boring stuff, things I like! Things I’ve picked to do and work on as projects. Things I have loved for years. Things that have brought me immense satisfaction when I have worked on them before. Things that will help me achieve my goals and actually let me live the life I’ve been dreaming of.

And what do you mean I just can’t do them? For the past few weeks my brain has said, how about nah? And nothing I seemed to do was able to motivate me.

I think this is a feeling a lot of you will be able to relate too.

I am one of the many women in my generation who was diagnosed with ADHD later in life, and I am now spending the last of my thirties finally trying to reckon with it.

And of course knowing I have ADHD is different from knowing

I have known for a while, but I am only just starting to know. Only just starting see the obstacle of my own brain as a symptom to live with instead of something I can probably get over…at some point, with the right the system or the right planner or exactly the right desk set up or enough post its.

There is obviously a lot to say about these things. I have a lot to say about them, but not today. It’s something I do plan on talking about more going forward, but I need a bit more brain power for that.

I have spent the last few weeks in a massive rut. Unable to do much of anything, and watching my goals stay exactly as far in front of me as they have always been. It’s frustrating, but since I am only just coming out the funk, and motivation is the thinest of threads that I could lose a grip on at any moment, I’m not prepared to delve into all those complications today.

In the effort of keeping things simple, and not over stretching, and doing what I can with what I’ve got, I’m going to tell you what I’ve been reading while all other motivation failed me.

I may not be able to cook dinner, but I can disappear into a book like a fucking pro!

the rereads

I have always been a creature of habit. Rewatching. Rereading. If I really like something I don’t know how to let it go and I will return to it again and again and again. So the last few weeks I’ve been rereading a lot of old faves.

monstrous series by lily Mayne

Post apocalyptic road trip vibes with monster fucking and some of the best found family vibes you can get. Despite the premise, these books are cute and sweet, and a perfect world to get lost for a few days.

himbo by emmy sanders

This is another one I come back to again and again. It’s angsty, but never in away that stresses you out, the romance is super heart-melting and the meet cute is equal parts filthy and adorable.

gravity by tal bauer

Similar to Himbo in tone. A very emotional and swoony romance. The angst is the perfect kind of romantic melodrama that leads to dramatic confessions of love and might make you cry (it will totally make you cry). It’s a grounded love story that still gives soulmate vibes.

I’m not saying it will fill the Heated Rivalry shaped hole in your existence, but it comes close.

the new reads

I did venture into the unknown as well, so don’t tell me I am not the bravest of girls.

enchanted by envy by nik knight

This is a the most recent addition to the Passing Through Cafe series, which I love. They are all sweet and funny, kick your feet and squeal romances, and this one is all of that, however it fumbled the ending which was a bummer. Still a good read, and a great addition to the series, but damn do I wish a little more care and time had been given to the happy ending here.

the bright lake chronicles by mell r. bright

Look we all know I am a fucking sucker for a paranormal small town, so this series fit my needs perfectly. I knew the author from the Monstrous Whims series, which is also awesome, so I had high hopes for these and they delivered. They are all novella length, which was perfect when my motivation was low and they delivered the sweet and spooky vibes I love. Each one was better than the last and by book three I was totally fucking obsessed!

winter lost by patricia briggs

Technically I am still reading this one, but we’re counting it. I love the Mercy Thompson universe, there is something so nostalgic about these long running paranormal/urban fantasy series that I find very soothing in times of need. This only came out last year, but still hits that old school vibe that makes me love it. I love a series that feels like the literary equivalent to watching your favorite late 90’s/early 2000’s paranormal teen drama that aired, literally or spiritually, on the WB.

the non fiction

how to ADHD by jessica maccabe

Another one I a still reading, but considering the circumstances surrounding this post, it has to be here. Like I said before, I am only now really diving into my diagnosis and learning what it all means, and so far this book has been great. Very validating in that it really helps me understand how the ADHD shockwaves reverberate through my whole life. It has that pop psychology trait of being a little too perky and positive at times, and I’m currently looking for some books with a harder science focus to balance this out.

the forest of souls by rachel pollack

This is becoming one of my favorite books on tarot ever! I feel like everyone with a passing interest in tarot picks up Pollack’s Seventy-Eight Degrees of Wisdom at some point, and that is a great read, but this takes next level. That book explains what the cards mean, but this really offers ways to explore how we use them in our actual life. It’s super inspiring and is definitely going on my list of must read tarot books.

women who run with the wolves by clarissa pinkola estés

I very slowly made my way through this book, taking it in small sections and coming to it when I had the energy to really try and digest it. It is a powerful read. Heartbreaking in ways, because everything in it feels just as true, if not more true, today as it did when it came out in the early 90’s. I will say that it could have used a bit more editing. The first sections were all amazing, but it felt bogged down in the end, like it lost stamina or something. But as a woman frustrated with my current life and going though the growing pains of trying to find a life that feels more like me, this one hit home in ways I won’t forget anytime soon.

waiting on

Lately, I have been struggling to find fiction books that hit all my marks, another reason for all the rereading. A few days ago out of nowhere, my friend messaged me asking if she’d ever told me about the Jane Yellowrock novels by Faith Hunter. She hadn’t, and honestly shame on her for holding out on me. The first one came out in 2009, and looks like it could be a perfect fit for that nostalgic urban fantasy vibe I like so much. I ordered the first two 5 minutes after she messaged me. And that of course kicked off a whole deep dive into books of that type and era that I haven’t read yet, which lead me to the Harper Connelly series and Midnight Texas series, both by Charlaine Harris and existing in the same universe. I ordered the entirety of both series immediately. Because I could. So now I wait eagerly by the mailbox, waiting not so patiently for my next reads to be delivered.

What do you do when motivation tanks and your brain won’t let you function like the person you want to be. I’m happy that no matter what, I can always disappear into my books for a while, even if I can’t talk myself into anything else. And I’m hoping that with a little more understanding of what’s happening, and the end of my rut in sight, I can get back to regularly scheduled posting again.

See ya later (w)(b)itches 💋

In case you don’t know, Supernatural is a television show that ran for 15 seasons, from 2005-2015, first airing on 13/September/2005.

In a nutshell two, good looking brothers crisscross the country in their (arguably better looking) classic car - it’s a ’67 Chevy Impala, but I probably don’t need to you that. They fight monsters. They save people. They hunt things. They save the world…a lot. Whoops wrong WB monster show.

When the first season aired it was shown on the WB, before jumping over to the CW when UPN and WB melded into one channel. I am old enough to remember that this was MAJOR and possibly life altering news.

But enough about that, we’re here for the pretty boy monster hunters.

Although neither Sam nor Dean Winchester (why is it always Sam and Dean, in that order, even though Dean is older?) are teens, you’d be forgiven for lumping in with the other teen centric paranormal shows that aired across The WB, UPN, and The CW, like Buffy, or the Vampire Diaries, or even superhero shows like Smallville, where Jensen Ackles served some time before hitting black gold with Supernatural.

does anyone else remember when the WB would push the same actors into everything before something stuck? Ackles was in both Dawsons Creek and Smallville before Supernatural. Chad Michael Murray was literally everywhere before One Tree Hill became the thing any way, I digress.

It’s not a teen show, but spiritually, it is kind of like a teen show. With the legions of young female fans to go along with it.

It was also never quite as popular as the popular culture and fandom surrounding it might lead you believe. In the early years we would wait with bated breath hoping and praying that it would be renewed and we wouldn’t be stuck lingering in cliff hanger hell for eternity.

And alright, we’re getting ahead of ourselves again.

Supernatural was ambitious for a television show of its time and of its genre. It clearly sees itself as the successor not to Buffy, an “unserious” show, but to the X-Files, a “serious” show, although there are debts to both, which it always acknowledges. The early seasons had a lot of cross-over behind-the-scenes talent who came from the X-Files. David Nutter, who directed the pilot, and Kim Manners, to name a few. Manners in particular was essential to the look, and feel of both shows, and a major part of the legacy of early Supernatural.

Eric Kripke, the shows creator and showrunner for the first 5 seasons, has repeatedly said that the goal was “Star Wars in truck stop America,” and that they wanted each episode to look like a mini horror movie.

The show also exists firmly in the postmodern/meta era of story telling. It fully understands you will be making connections to all these other shows, and in fact, it figures it may as well make them for, just to get it out of the way.

The pilot has Dean calling two FBI agents who show up on the same case, Agent Mulder and Agent Scully. They know. We know. They know we know.

It also exists in a world of horror movies. Sometimes you watch horror movies and it becomes clear no one in the movie has seen a horror movie, here most characters have some frame of reference. They might not know that the monsters, demons and other things that go bump in the night are real, but they know horror movies. And if you don’t, Dean is gonna call you out about it, as we’ll se later in season one.

This gives the show a very Gothic feel. Yes the horror vibes are there, yes episode by episode things can be scary, but as a whole this show is deeply gothic. And the Gothic is almost always self aware that it is the Gothic.

So let’s start at the beginning. A normal everyday, white suburban house somewhere in Lawrence, Kansas, is our opening short.

Totally and perfectly normal in every possibly way. Except for the world’s creepiest shadow of tree branches crawling across the building.

Right away we know things are not as they seem, we know something is going to go wrong, and it’s going to start in this Marked House.

Houses are important in the Gothic Tradition. Location is important. Wuthering Heights, Manderley, Northanger Abbey.

The Castle Of Otranto by Horace Walpole, published in 1764, is widely considered the first Gothic novel, and is about all the spooky shit that goes down in the title castle. If you can name a gothic trop; white night gowns, tormented women, flickering candles, cheating husbands, dead children, ghostly apparitions, un-homed women, it’s probably in this book.

And hey, whattda know, the first episode of Supernatural has all that too.

I cannot mention The Castle Of Otranto, without also mentioning Horace Walpole’s real life estate, Strawberry Hill House. Built in the Gothic Revival style (the guy knew what he liked!), it was renovated and added on to endlessly. The house inspired the book, which in turn inspired more additions on the house.

The whole thing became a self referential sprawling Gothic monstrosity, linking fiction with reality, and twisting the story up like an actual Gothic plot.

Speaking of houses that are added onto endlessly!

Having grown up in Northern California, when I hear Winchester, my first reference is not a rifle, but The Winchester Mystery House. The sprawling, Gothic monstrosity built by the widow of man who invented the Winchester Rifle. Worried she was cursed by the spirits of the people killed by her husband’s guns, she believed having a twisty house, full of dead ends and stairways to nowhere would protect her from their vengeance.

My personal theory, given that in season three we get an episode about a “mystery spot” is that the creators and writers want us to think about the Winchester Mystery House as well as the guns. The only Mystery Spot I know of is in Santa Cruz, CA right “over the hill” from San Jose, CA, home of Mrs. Winchester.

I think they are saying it’s not just about the guns, it’s also about this house that leaves you feeling unstable and unsettled. That you can’t trust home, that it’s always changing. That the very idea of home should leave you with uncertainty.

Those tree branches are saying the same thing, but I did warn you this we be a deep dive. By drawing attention to the house in show, by giving us an explicit link to The Winchester Mystery house, which is spiritually linked to Strawberry Hill House, we are being led right to the edge of the Gothic. It doesn’t drop us in the deep end, but those Gothic waters are lapping at our toes and we know this is going to be more than cheap thrills.

And then we get what is one of the greatest show openers of all time.

A nice family live inside that Marked House. Pretty mom, ex-military dad who seems to be a hands on father, an older brother who can’t wait till his baby brother is old enough to catch a football.

Before the credits even roll mom is dead, pinned to ceiling bleeding and engulfed in unnatural flames, and the home is gone.

John Winchester hands baby Sam to Dean, saying “Dean, take your brother outside as fast you can. Don’t look back. Now, Dean. Go!” Effectively setting 4 year old Dean on the path of responsibility and surrogate parenthood he will be on for the rest of his life.

Dead parents are huge part of the Gothic Canon. Terrible fathers are too, but despite what we see later, I don’t think John Winchester started out a terrible father. However, he sure did become one.

And surrogate, stand in, or adoptive parents are also common in Gothic works. We often have parentless characters being looked after by relatives, or becoming wards of someone who is unrelated. It is easy to forget when you watch adult Sam and Dean interact, and the show itself seems to forget as well in later seasons, but for the formative years of Sam’s life, Dean was his most reliable parent figure. A horrible position for any child to be put in, but in an essay by Tanya Michaels1 she sums up in a way that won’t let you forget,

[dean] takes his responsibility solemnly and in repeated episodes has referred to protecting sam as his “job.” He’s definitely felt the heartbreak parenting can bring, when you don’t know what to do, when your kids push you away, when they reject your attempts to help, or when you witness them hurting.

Over the course of 15 years, Dean Winchester becomes one of the most complex, messed up, hilarious, and tragic characters on TV. What this rewatch is reminding me is that Jensen Ackles is a talented enough actor to make Dean all those things right from the very start. Dean is the bad boy who does everything his Daddy tells him too. He’s doesn’t need anyone, but he’d rather have his brother with him in the passenger seat. He could do it alone, but as he tells Sam right at the very beginning, “yeah, but I don’t want to.” In less talented hands, Dean would have become a parody, but Ackles always keeps him deeply grounded.

There is also a performative aspect to Dean. Dean is often putting on a show, he is a boy who thinks he’s got it figured out, who has decided who he is and how he’s going to be, and he is making sure everyone knows it. Creatively, I call these moments where we see Dean put on his Dean Persona The Dean Show. Again Ackles keeps these slightly different presentations grounded, it never feels showy or over the top, we just see a kid trying to prove something, and then, when we see the cracks we get an even better understanding of him.

Sam Winchester is less interesting outta the gate, but that’s alright. Paranormal shows often need a character who provides the audiences way into the action, and Sam is ours. He is also, most certainly for the pilot, and I would argue for the first several seasons, the shows true protagonist. The events of the show are, in a lot of ways, happening to him.

Remember, in the words of the show’s creator this is Star Wars. Floppy haired, full of integrity, all around good guy Sam is Luke Skywalker. Searching for a life beyond the way they grew up, for Luke it was life off the farm, for Sam it might be life on the farm, or at least a home.

After a bit of deftly handled exposition, we know that Sam is at Stanford on a scholarship, he’s living with his girlfriend who he loves, he did better on the LSATs than Elle Woods, he’s gonna get a full ride to Stanford Law School.

He is happy, he content, he has escaped the less than stable life with his family, and is creating a life he wants to live.

Until trouble is dropped in his living room.

And of course, trouble, in this slightly off-kilter Star Wars analogy is his brother Dean, pulling double duty as both the Obi Wan character (brings news about family; “this was your fathers lightsaber,” “dad’s on a hunting trip") and more obviously as the Han Solo stand in (got swagger, an IDGAF attitude, and a cool a ride).

Dean breaks in, Sam proves he still knows how to throw a punch and if you have film noir tinted wet dreams about two cute boys wrestling while back lit, this scene is straight out of that.

Now say it with me Supernatural fans, “Dad’s on a hunting trip and he hasn’t been home in a few days.”

This is the trouble. This is the call to adventure. This is where Supernatural really starts.

After a bit of bickering, Dean finally talks Sam into coming along to help solve the case and, hopefully find Dad. Sam has the condition that they make it back by Monday, so he can make his law school interview. Dean scoffs at higher education, but ultimately agrees.

The pilot sets the stage for what Supernatural does amazingly well, which is combining the over arching story (find dad) to the monster of the week.

In an article about this first episode for Den Of Geek, Juliette Harrisson2 writes,

in it’s early years, supernatural was very good at balancing ongoing story arcs with interesting and engaging monsters of the week, something absolutely essential for 2000’s era American network television.

Now look, I love a good monster of the week episode, I eat that shit right up every time. There is a procedural formula to them that makes them very comforting. The characters rock up, figure out The Thing, solve The Thing, fix The Thing, and boom you’ve got a total and complete story all wrapped up.

Monster of The Week episodes are an essential part of the legacy of early Supernatural season, and of course some were better than others, but it’s a format that melds well with the roadtrip nature of the show. New town, new mystery, and on to the next.

This first episode works great as a MOTW, but also sets up our main arc for the season. John went missing on a specific case, Sam and Dean assume that solving the case he was working on when he disappeared will mean they figure out what happened to their dad.

The case is a Woman In White. Because, yes this show is about hunting monsters and finding dad, but it is also about dead mothers. Women In White aren’t really specific thing. Almost every culture has tales about spirits, creatures, ghosts, or old gods who present as feminine, wearing white.

They do give us another name for this specific spirit though, a Weeping Woman, and that is a specific thing. Along with that name, and the story about her creation, what we really have this episode, is La Llarona.

I have never understood, why the episode went with Woman In White, when the story matches up so closely with La Llarona. She is a myth/folktale figure from across Mexico, Latin America and parts of the South West of the Untied States. There are many versions of the story, but one of the most common, and the one Supernatural uses is that she was a woman who learned her husband cheated, and in the delirium that followed, drowned her children and then died by suicide from the grief.

In the Supernatural world, La Llarona haunts the road and bridge where she died, picking out (mostly) unfaithful men and getting her vengeance on them. Again, there are other versions of the story, the one I was most familiar with prior to Supernatural was that she was used as a warning to children; don’t do this (especially go in the water) or La Llarona will get you.

A common theme across the different variations of this story is that she is almost associated with water and roads, so having her fill the shoes of the ghostly hitchhiker urban legend works well.

As a hitchhiker she asks to be brought to home, only to then say she can never go home. And the house she lived is currently a ruin, falling down and abandoned. In Sheila O’Malley’s3 recap of this episode she makes it obvious,

nobody says “omg” she can’t home, and neither can we” but that connection reverberates through the episode.

After the fire, Sam and Dean were raised on the road. Sam doesn’t even remember having a steady home, his whole life was the car, motel rooms, and short term rentals. These kids are essentially homeless, and this pilot episode gives us nice little neon bookends pointing to this fact so we don’t miss it.

When Sam and Dean’s mothers died, it blocked them from going back home, and effectively kept them from finding a steady home for decades to come. They will establish places to return to, and home bases as the show goes, but none are an actual home. The Woman In White killed her children, and they block her from coming home, forcing her to the road to become a vengeful killing monster.

She is both a mirror of Sam and Dean, and an omen of what can happen if you’re blocked from a home and spend your days trolling backroads looking for things to kill.

And look, I promised nightgowns, so we may as well get that out of way here.

If there is one image that burned into our collective unconscious when someone says Gothic, it is probably the image of a woman in a white night gown, probably she is fleeing.

These fleeing nightgown-clad women of the Gothic Tradition have a couple of roles. Sometimes they are fleeing something that would cause them harm, usually a man. Sometimes they are the mystery, as other characters try to figure if they are seeing a ghost, or a real person. Many times they are both. Either way they usually lack a certain amount of agency. The are tools of the story, not necessarily the story itself (although sometimes they are both).

Supernatural is a not a show known for its fair or feminist treatment of female characters, and this is something that I’m sure we’ll be spending more time on later. I often ask myself if Supernatural is a Dead Girl show. My instinct is always to say no. Dead Girl Shows are not seen as positive things, but when you look at the facts, women die so that the male characters can start their own journeys of self discovery, it definitely leans Dead Girl. And of course, like all paranormal, strange, and post modern shows that came after it, there is an influence of Twin Peaks here, and that’s the ur-Dead Girl Show.

Mary Winchester wears a white nightgown, Constance, our Woman In White, wears something that if not strictly a nightgown, is certainly adjacent. Jess, inexplicable also trades her boy shorts and teeshirt for a white nightgown at the end, (check out my YouTube video for more thoughts on this swap). And of course I mean it’s inexplicable based on the character, we need that white that white nightgown FOR THE IMAGE.

The show is using this trope to let us know what kind of show we’re watching. That there will be as much Gothic as there is horror, but also never letting us forget that what we’re really watching is the relationship between the Winchester men. The women are dressed accordingly, and everything serves that greater purpose.

It doesn’t take Sam and Dean long to figure out they’re dealing with a Woman in White, they figure out their dad also knew what he was dealing with and their detective work also brings us to the first motel room of the series.

And the motel rooms are always amazing. They are garish, and themed. Cheap and dingy, as O’Malley says in her recap,

this is the weird landscape of so much of America. It’s one of the best parts of the show, those motel rooms.

The show is American Gothic as well as just plain ol’ regular Gothic, and the motels are part of that. From O’Malley again (seriously if you like Supernatural recaps hers are works of art)

The America the Winchesters travel through is not ironed-out and homogenized. It’s made of left over parts.”

They are traveling through a shrinking America. Forgotten roads, and the towns that line them. It’s the parts you don’t always think about, the parts that have been forgotten. You might think that these places exist only in fiction these days, but for anyone who has ever road-tripped, you will know that you occasionally stop for gas in a spot that makes the hairs on your neck stand up, and the urge to put it in your review mirror is real. Sam and Dean stay in those spots, and figure out why.

But all these forgotten places, place that don’t quite feel real contribute to the over all sense of unease. The motels have nothing to do with the monsters. The empty roads have nothing to do with the monsters (except for crossroads demons, but they come later). The towns that time forgot have nothing to do with the monsters, but after having seen all of that our hind brains are prepared for a monster. For something out of the ordinary, because Supernatural is visiting landscapes that, although very real, still feel out-of-step with reality.

In order to solve the case, we are treated to what will become the usual supernatural shenanigans. An arrest, lying to law enforcement, impersonating law enforcement, talking to locals, the Winchesters save the day with a snappy one liner, “what were you thinking shooting Casper in the face you freak!”

The case is solved, the ghost is sent where she belongs, they didn’t find Dad, but they found his journal, and Dean is sure that the coordinates in it are where he wants them go next. Of course, bad boy/daddy’s boy Dean is ready to go now. “If we shag ass we can make it by morning,” he is still the boy who asks how high every time John tells him to jump.

But Sam has to get back. He has a home, or he thinks he does. He thinks he’s made his escape and I guess pre-law doesn’t give him the literary analysis tools he needs to figure out what all those white nightgowns mean. So Dean reluctantly takes him back to Stanford.

It’s a bittersweet goodbye. Dean genuinely liked having Sam on the hunt, I imagine it felt more like having a partner in crime than a drill Sargent to work with. And Sam would never ever admit it, but he had fun too. Dean wasn’t entirely wrong when he told Sam that this is who he is.

But both these boys have firm ideas about who they are. Dean is Dean Winchester bad boy and hunter extraordinaire. Sam is just Sam, good student and soon to be lawyer, in a holding pattern for a white picket fence.

And they are both just so wrong.

So Sam goes inside, Jess made him cookies, how cute, how perfect. The water’s running so Sam thinks she’s in the shower. He lays back, eyes closed like he can take one more second to actually enjoy the weekend he spent with Dean rather than pretend he didn’t.

Of course, Sam is not just Sam, he can’t be, and his reminder comes when he opens his eyes to see to Jess on the ceiling, just before the fire starts. Dean’s big brother intuition kicks in though, and he’s there to drag Sam to safety and instability once again.

It’s a split second, but you should pay attention to Jensen Ackles here, he looks up at the ceiling and his face does so much. That was the view 4 year old Dean didn’t get. Sure he’s heard all about Mom pinned the ceiling engulfed in flames, but he never saw it. You see him brace for it here, he almost doens’t want to look but he does. He knows exactly what he’ll see, and it’s like seeing happen here, with his own eyes, will make the reality of what happened 22 years ago more real. But he still gets Sam out.

The show will make it more and more obvious as the season goes on, but for all Dean’s posturing and trying to live up to John’s expectations, it is actually Sam and John who are the most similar, so he makes the same choice his Dad.

He hits the road, he wants to find the thing that did this. And the pieces for our series are in place. Sam is reminded that to be a Winchester is to be an unsettled thing, roaming an uncertain world. That their responsibility will be more than bills and grades and yard work.

And Dean locks in even harder. He saw it this time, Jess on the ceiling, and this time it was a direct attack on Sam, and Dean can’t let that stand.

We’ve got work to do.

Alright, that’s a wrap on Supernatural; season 1, episode 1.

Perhaps I should have mentioned that this episode stands alone as not just a great pilot, but a great stand alone episode of tv. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to watch it that way again. I can’t help be see the way it sets so much of what we’ll be getting, for the next few seasons certainly, but even further than that. This episode does some very heavy lifting, and it does it without letting you see the work, which is hard for a lot of pilots.

Next week we’ll be covering Wendigo, which for me has always been one of the most genuinely scary episodes of the whole series.

Camping. shudders

So, back in January I posted my planner/journal ecosystem, and now, all the way in March, I have already made some changes. You know what they say! “O, swear not by the planner system, th’ inconstant planner system, that monthly changes in her circled orb, lest that thy love prove likewise variable” And if they don’t they probably should, cause these things are meant to shift with our energies.

My biggest change, and quite possibly my new favorite player in the system is the addition of what I’m calling my “media journal.”

I think that anyone who occupies any of the online spaces where reading, journalling, and analog living meet will have noticed a lot of chatter about media journals or commonplace books in the last few years.

They are not strictly the same thing.

Media journals seem to be more of a record of what you have consumed, and commonplace books are more a way to organize information you want to be able to come back to. But, there is definitely a lot of crossover.

As a life long notebook fiend, and a lover of writing things down and taking notes, it should not surprise you that both types of journals hold appeal to me. I tried commonplacing a while back, but it never quite clicked for me, so I let it drop. And while I love seeing peoples beautiful media or reading journals with artistic spreads and in-depth reviews, they were never something I wanted to create for myself.

But sometimes ideas just need to marinate in your brain for a while.

Cause at the end of January I was able to figure out what I needed from this kind of journal, and how to do it.

Mine is not quite a commonplace and not quite a media journal, but more like the bastard love child of both.

I started from the idea that its main function would be to track what I consume. Every book, article, blog, movie, tv show, or interesting quote I found online.

At its most basic level, it is a list.

I also knew it needed to be small and usable. I wanted to be able to access it at a moments notice. It’s not beautiful. I don’t do spreads. It got added to my walking around journal and lives in there. I use small notebooks, anything from passport size to a6. They fill up quick, but they are cheap and easily findable. When I feel like splurging I use ones from Paper Republic. But Muji works, the Moleskin cahiers work, Field Notes work. I had a stack of Field Notes I bought and never used, and now they are finally getting their moment to shine.

It sits next to me on the couch when I’m reading or watching things. It comes to the cafes with me in case I see something inspiring there. It’s open on my desk while I’m working.

I date the top the of the page and write down every piece of media I consume for that day.

A lot of days it is just a list.

But when I need it to be more, it is.

It is a home of quotes. It is where I explain why something struck my interest. It is where I write “these two really need to fucking get it together” when I’m reading a romance with a bit of miscommunication. It documents just how many times I have rewatched Heated Rivalry. I will go through the screen caps on my phone that seemed important enough to save; if they actually are important, I’ll add them here. I print things out, I cut things up, I glue things in.

It’s a place to remember why I like, or what I got out of what I consumed.

It’s informal and functional.

I looked up a lot of different people’s commonplace or media journal styles, and no one quite had all the elements I knew I wanted with mine. So I started with my main goal - tracking what I consume day by day - and let it grow naturally from there.

I’m still figuring it out. It’s changing. Two weeks ago days took up multiple pages and were filled with YouTube videos about Obsidian set ups and quotes from other people’s Substacks, and printed Instragm posts full of Heated Rivalry discourse. This week I’ve been less inspired, I’ve been consuming less, I’ve been writing down the books I read at the end of the day, and that’s all. Both versions are fine. It’s a notebook that works with me.

With a commonplace notebook, the idea is that there is some level of indexing or organization, a way to find certain bits of information; the point isn’t simply listing or tracking, but assembling information that’s important. This is less of a component with media journals, but I still wanted to be able to organize information.

I use colored dot stickers to identify what something is. A book, a show, a song, an insta post, a magazine, a blog, stuff like that. And I have an index at the back that lists everything and what pages I can find it on. I’m also experimenting with using black dots folded over the edges of pages to show me where thematic information is. So I know what pages have witchy or tarot stuff, and where quotes about productivity or journalling are. The dots go down the side of the page and theres a key at back that the dots line up with, so I can find things. (It’s hard to explain, but it kinda reminds of the little notch bookmarks on the edges of pages that are explained IN DEPTH in Dune. Frankly, that was my main takeaway from that book.)

And that’s my media journal. The newest addition to the family!

She’s not pretty. She does exactly what I need her to. She never leaves my side. And I love, I love, I love her.

I hope this shows that in a world of beautiful, artistic, perfectly planned media and commonplace journals you can ignore all that and just write shit down. That it is better to start with what you want it to do, and worry about the set up later. Social media can make us feel like we need the perfect journal before we even start, and that’s just not true.

Sometimes function over form is the key to making something actually usable in your life. If you’ve wanted to start, but felt intimated by what you see other people to do, just start writing shit down and figure out the rest later.

Welcome to Lingering Lore, a nostalgic love letter to the pop culture that shaped me. I’ll be rewatching, rereading, and relistening to the bits and pieces of media that had the biggest impact on me. I’ll be looking at why I loved it in the first place, and whether or not I still do. I’ll be asking if it holds up today and if it’s still worth a look? I’ll be exploring where and/or if it’s influence shows up in more recent things I love.

It’s like a deep dive into the archives of Outlaw Witch.

Last month for Lingering Lore I covered the 1994 adaptation of Little Women. What it meant for me, as a girl, and the kind of “girlhood” the film itself represents.

This month is a little more, “OMG the hot guy has tail, and I think I’m totally into it.” So it’s a little bit of a different vibe. But frankly, if this exactly what the whole picture view of girlhood Little Women was trying to show us, I don’t know what is. So let’s get into The 10th Kingdom, a show that I really wish more people were familiar with.

Earlier this month me and a long distance bestie got on a WhatsApp call that lasted more 7 hours while we watched the entirety of the made for television miniseries event The 10th Kingdom together.

If that sounds like something only a crazy person would do, clearly you have not met either one of us.

Apparently her boyfriend asked the seemingly logical question; “but doesn’t Bronwyn have, like stuff to do?” And my friend was like, “yeah, watching 10th Kingdom with me.” To be fair, this was not a spur of the moment event. We planned it out about a month in advance, and we both made sure stuff was done, tasks completed, important details sorted, and boyfriends were out of the house before we dove in.

The 10th Kingdom aired over 5 Sundays in February and March of 2000. I was in middle school. And I was obsessed. I had another friend who was equally as obsessed, and we would meet on the schoolyard first thing Monday morning and discuss everything absolutely everything that had gone down in the previous nights episode.

It was formative in ways I didn’t even begin to comprehend until years later.

Simply put, the 10th Kingdom is a post modern fairy tale. But also, it is so much more than that.

And as a romance reader, rewatching this makes it clear that the seeds of some of my more, shall we say, unhinged tastes were planted here. I was 13, my brain was still forming and the Wolf was a hunk. But more on him and his, ahem, tail later.

Within the world of The 10th Kingdom exists the 9 kingdoms, the places where pretty much all the things we know as fairy tales really happened. Cinderella is still alive, the Peep family are still guarding sheep, there is a forest of beanstalks, and the ghost of Snow White, evil trolls, and enchanted forests, poison apples, magic and of course Evil Queens.

The 10th Kingdom is our world. Mundane and magic free, until a prince turned into a dog and the Wolf man chasing him wind up in New York City after taking a trip through a magic mirror.

This is also where we meet Virginia, our heroine. A perfectly normal girl, working at perfectly normal restaurant; who, as people in stories with Evil Queens often do, has absolutely raging Mommy Issues.

Our Wolf man is Wolf. Sometimes the best name is the most obvious name. He’s our morally ambiguous male lead. Sure, he starts out working for the Evil Queen, promising to bring the Prince!Dog back so she can resume of her plan of taking over the 9 Kingdoms. But, as often happens with morally ambiguous male leads, true love can get in the way of the best laid plans.

The late 90s and early 2000’s were an absolute treasure trove of made for tv mini series events, they often aired during “Sweeps Week” which was a real thing and not something I just made up because it sounds funny.

We had the ancient greeks with The Odyssey and Jason and The Argonauts. We had Gulliver’s Travels. We had Merlin. And look when I tell you that Merlin had a weirdly sexy Martin Short, yes that Martin Short, you are just going to have to believe me.

They all had their good points, but 10th Kingdom reigned supreme for me.

These were all designed to be family friendly, prime time entertainment. Made in the era when a house probably had one TV and everyone watched the same shows in the evenings. These mini series were meant to be something the whole family could enjoy together. And The 10th Kingdom hits that point perfectly.

It’s smart and sly enough for adults to enjoy, it has the usual fairy tale tropes that all children will recognize and is just sexy enough to keep everyone else invested.

But still, it may surprise you to learn, The 10th Kingdom has what I believe to be the only instance of Primal Play in a work of primetime, family-friendly entertainment.

Yes, in the final episode after 4 fucking weeks of will they/won’t they, Wolf and Virginia finally decided, that yes, in fact they will.

Great news! Wolf tells Virginia he wants to play hide and seek. Virginia, being a smart and kinky woman agrees and gleefully takes off through the woods. Where she is sexily chased and then tackled to the ground and fucked bare in the moss (we know this because the show ends with her pregnant.) And alright, we don’t see all of this, but we absolutely know it’s happening.

I watched this when I was 13.

So it should come as no surprise to you that I met my long distance bestie on Bookstagram, commenting on a book where a woman is happily banged by her 3 monstrous gargoyle mates.1 And the friendship grew from there.

In fact our mutual love of 10th Kingdom was one of the major stepping stones that took our friendship from this-is-someone-i-talk-to-online to this-is-a-person-who-factors-into-my-daily-life.

Lemme tell you, in the 2020’s 10th Kingdom fans are few and far between so when you find each other, you hold on tight and you don’t let go.

And of course, the pipeline from 10th Kingdom Fan to Monster Romance Reader is a straight shot.

13 year old me thought Wolf was a hunk, almost 40 year old me thinks the same, although I probably wouldn’t use the word “hunk.”

When I tell you the man is an absolute dreamboat! (Look, I was a child when I first saw him, you’ll forgive me if I fall back on Tiger Beat terminology to describe him). He absolutely had real-estate on my bedroom wall.

Watching now, as an adult, I can’t help but think, “oh, this explains SO MUCH.”

Even without the woods chasing, and moss fucking, Wolf is like the ur-Romantic MMC. He’s hot. He’s dark haired. He is, perhaps, more obsessive in his love than I would ever suggest is healthy in normal life, but I am sucker for in fiction. His morals can be questionable, except where his love is concerned; then he is both unfailingly faithful and liable to go to great lengths to keep her safe and happy.

And he is a wonderfully filthy man.

Look, as a 13 year old, a lot of things went over my head. These shows rely on heavy innuendo to keep that primetime family friendly vibe alive. But even then Wolf is surprisingly dirty in his pursuit of Virginia.

As Shawn Van Horn writes for Collider,

he might care deeply for her, but it also drives him crazy to keep his hands off her.

Or as I told my friend early in our 7 hour phone-call, “you just know when she finally sits on his face it’s gonna be the best day of his life.”

This is a fairytale, love at first sight is real and happens more often than you might think, so Wolf is head over heels from the moment he see’s Virginia. And it may take a bit of time to figure out how to woo a human woman, or you know any woman, but he gets there.

I’ll take a moment here to remind you that this is fiction. That in real life I do not romanticize a man’s one sided pursuit of a woman who does not seem interested, especially after he tries to cook and eat her grandma (he’s a wolf! this is a fairy tale!). Yes it’s problematic. But fiction is not real life, and it’s perfectly fine to enjoy tropes you wouldn’t want in real life on the safety of the page. And look, a lot of people like to fantasize about the idea of being the person of interest for a sexy wolf man’s single minded romantic pursuit. If you have any doubts, please refer back to life long friendships being forged over on the monster romance side of Instagram!

What I’m saying, is I am not here to take too serious a look at the romance 10th Kingdom presents. I am here to enjoy hot men who are undeniably into their women.

For the record, Virginia is not exactly a wilting flower. She has no problem bashing Wolf over the head with a vase to make an escape - and the man swoons. Absolutely fucking gone for her already, I love it!

Throughout the series, Wolf refers to himself as a wolf, implying that there is a whole wolf society within the 9 Kingdoms, and that in general the wolves are looked down on at best, or fully segregated and treated like animals at worst.

And there is definitely an animal component.

As I’ve already said, he has a tail.

Men with tails are sexy.

Did I aways have a thing for men with tails, or did I develop a thing for men with tails from The 10th Kingdom. Much like the chicken and the egg, we’ll never know.

Yes, he does kinda wolf out for a few days every month; become an unrecognizable version of himself, say things he doesn’t mean, become ravenously hungry, and threaten more murder than usual. But like, same Wolf man. Same.

He does eat what seems to be an entire coop of chickens during his time of the month, and again same Wolf man. Same. Only in nugget form. And obviously this is how the animal kingdom works. Sure, we hate to see the adorable seals get eaten by the polar bears in the documentary, but it is the natural order of things. So I will be defending Wolfs chicken coop rampage until the day I die.

Especially when the whole thing is so clearly coded as a mirror to a period.

Perhaps someday I will write another essay, a separate treatise, on how Wolf’s moments of wolfing out are actually deeply feminist. That the making monstrous of his sexual desire and proclivities is not that different to how women who embrace their sexuality are treated. That we respond to sexy monster men, because we are so often treated as monstrous when we desire to show our sexuality.

In fact, I am 100% certain this is the whole point the show was trying to make. It’s obvious, right?

Wolf’s allegiance is not always clear in the show, which is part of the appeal, cause who doesn’t love a bad boy. He starts as an agent for the Evil Queen. At times, it seems as though his team up with Virginia and her father could be only to serve his own goals, and that if he can romance Virginia as well, those two things can be mutually exclusive.

But he’s also a man who realizes early on that he is not good enough for the woman of his affection and needs to start working on some self improvements.

While in New York he accidentally stumbles into a therapy session, which he not only plays along with, but winds up taking seriously and putting into use some the things he learned in his single session. The feeling is that at the time it originally aired, the therapy, and his subsequent obsession with self help books, was written to send up the self-help-relationship-advice-book market that was HUGE in the late 90’s. And it does that, but it also shows us a man who is willing to put the work in.

There are several shows and movies from this era of my childhood that gave us men like this. I call it the “Mr. Darcy Archetype” and I talk a lot about in my essay on Ever After. Basically it’s men who put the work in. Who decide the work is worth doing whether it lands them the girl or not. That being worthy of her is a good enough reason, even if they don’t wind up with her.

It is not something we see enough, but getting these few examples in such core cultural moments of my youth was important. These romantic heroes do not get the girl because they are men and she’s a woman. They get her by consciously trying to be better versions of themselves, by upping their game, by listening to her, and ultimately making the changes because they want to be worthy, more than they want to win her.

Wolf never stops being obsessed, he never stops making crude jokes, his tail never stops popping up at inopportune times, he never stops being ready and willing to rail Virginia at a moments notice, but he does make the effort to become someone who can make Virginia proud.

He just does it in a dirty, monster, slutty kind of way, and I am here for it.

Fairy tales and romance novels cover a lot of the same ground. The majority of romance novels fall into either Beauty and The Beast retellings, or Cinderella retellings. 10th Kingdom doesn’t give us an explicit Beauty and The Beast reference, because on top of the all the big bad wolf references, the idea is that Virginia and Wolf are also giving us that particular tale.

The romance in romance novels has always felt different than the romance we see in movies or on TV. More about the power of romance, and the fantasy idea of romance than the impact it has on our lives and the choices we make around it. But occasionally we get a show or movie that gives us romance novel style romance. This is what works in Heated Rivalry, they didn’t change it to tv romance, they kept it romance novel romance. And 10th Kingdom gives us very romance novel coded romance.

It’s a little bit bigger. It’s not about reality, it’s about romance. It is romance for the sake of romance. Maybe it wouldn’t work in real life, but that’s not what it’s about. It’s about the love being strong enough to overcome any and obstacles. It’s about yearning delivering results.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that if I ever see The 10th Kingdom referenced, it’s on romance Bookstagram. They gave teen millennials, already familier with sexy beasts2, sexy foxes3, and sexy gargoyles4, a sexy wolf man, who would do anything for his woman while constantly working to better himself so he’s worthy of her, and then NEVER DELIVERED THE PROMISED SEQUEL.

Yes, I’m still bitter. We’re all still bitter. They could still do it. I would watch. And I don’t mean a sequel following Wolf and Virginia’s children. I mean give us aging millennials middle-aged Wolf and Virginia, still hot, still into each other, still banging on every available surface, but probably not the forest floor cause that’s a bitch for both the back and knees.

I refuse to believe either of them aged like anything other than the finest of wines.

Realistically, I know we most likely will not be getting my dream sequel.

But for a certain set of romance girlies, we’ve been chasing the high of The 10th Kingdom for the last 26 years. Turning to increasingly unhinged smut, graduating from Wolf, to werewolves, to anthropomorphic wolf men who look like wolves all the time, with a snout and sharp teeth, who are still sexy AF.

Books where giving into the monstrous side of desire is celebrated rather than hidden.

And if you’ve ever read a book where one character has a vibrating appendage on his dick, but you haven’t seen 10th Kingdom, do yourself a favor.

Wolf doesn’t, but if he could, for Virginia, he totally would, and if that ain’t what romance is all about it, I don’t know what is.

Alright guys, I’m gonna be honest with you - I almost didn’t write these. I have a lot going on. I have spent this whole year, all month and half of it, trying to get to a point where I am working ahead of myself, and guess what? I. Am. Behind.

But one of the things I really want to work on this year is consistency. Getting the things done that I said I would get done; and not deciding they are unessential when I feel overwhelmed. I want to learn how to make it work. How it feels to get things done even thought it was hard, and there is no one around to tell me off for not doing it.

I am learning that sometimes you have to do things differently, that it can still be done, but different to how you’ve done it before. So this month I’m keeping the New Moon tarotscopes quick and dirty, boiling it down to the major details.

Of course, since I’ve finally launched my Supernatural recap series (check out the first one here) I had to use my Supernatural tarot deck. This is also a deck that is pretty up front about its message, so I think it’ll jive well the down and dirty style this month.

Aries - The Chariot

Get away from the side quests, and focus on the main thing. Better yet, try to figure out why the side quests are more appealing to you than the thing you set out to do? This is something you are going to have to see through, no getting around that. But if you can figure out why it’s taking all your grit to get it done, you might be able to make your next big thing a smoother process.

Taurus - Strength

Slow it right down, and remember your why. You are good at the motions, and so you have been going through them, but you don’t know why. Just doing the steps isn’t enough anymore, and it’s why you’re feeling unfulfilled. Take yourself out of the dance while you figure out your next steps free of distraction. Make sure it’s something you want to do, not just something you can do.

Gemini - 4 of Bones

Sometimes the best celebration is a quiet one. This is a cosy little card, so what ever kind of event you’re living through, make sure you celebrate for yourself. Away from expectations, or big parties. You earned the right to count your blessings in what ever way works best for you.

Cancer - 8 of Bones

You gotta give up a bit of control. Give up the illusion of control. Be like the skyscraper the sways in the wind. Bet you love it when I get all cryptic like that! But for real, a lot is happening and rather than try to prepare for anything and everything, just meet it head on. Sometimes preparation means you miss the action, so get out the door and trust that you can handle it, even if it feels a little nuts.

Leo - 3 of Blades

Ok, things suck. I’m not going to try and tell you they don’t. The impulse might be to keep moving like a shark, but you kinda just need to let things suck. I know it sucks! It’s like a vicious cycle of suckiness. But give yourself permission to wallow. There is no need to pretend like you are stronger then the suck. And honestly, whether you act like it’s true or not, the suck will still be there. So acknowledge it, let it in and then watch the way recedes.

Virgo - Temperance

I hate to say it, but you need to think about what the most practical, the most sensible version of yourself would do, and do that. Sometimes it’s just got to be done. Put aside the overreactions, and the big statements, and urge to do it with style and just get it done. By the book, to the letter. You don’t have to be boring forever, but right now, you need to be a little boring.

Libra - The World

Sometimes it’s good not to know what the next thing is. Don’t fly over your moments of completion because you think being productive means being busy. Let things finish, the moments of being done are as important as the moments of doing, so don’t pass them by. Let yourself be done in a real way before you move on. Maybe it’s a vacation, maybe it’s a weekend with no plans, maybe It’s a cocktail on a school night. But take the time to enjoy the doneness of whatever you were working on.

Scorpio - Ace of Bones

Just fucking do it.

I know it seems like a silly thing to start, a thing that might take time from other things. But seriously, you’ve been thinking about it so much it’s already taking time from other things, you may as well start getting something out of that time. Whatever it is, new project, new passion, new tattoo; take the steps to start bringing it into the real world.

Sagittarius - 7 of Blades

It is time to look for number one my friend, and that is you. I’m not saying you should automatically assume the worst of everyone, but you should assume that you know what is best for you. And if people come to you and start saying something else is what is best for you, you better investigate that thoroughly before you change anything up.

Capricorn - Ace of Blades

We can make some less than great decisions in the heat of the moment. Get rid of things we actually need, say things we don’t really mean. So this is your sign to rein it in for a bit. Avoid permanent decisions. Don’t say or do anything that can’t be undone easily until you’re feeling a little more even keeled again. Take time, think things through, measure a whole bunch of times before you make any cuts, and then measure again. Nothing should be done in a rush right now.

Aquarius - King of Blades

Now is the time to fall back on what you know, rather than trying to gain new skills or knowledge. You probably know more than you think you know, so you should be able to do it. But if you feel like you need a whole new skill set to achieve your next goal, it’s time to go back to the drawing board. Learning is great, but if every next step requires new tools, you won’t actually do what you set out to do. Work with what you have, and trust that you have enough know-how to get the job the done.

Pisces - The Star

Sometimes you have to change directions. Sure you started one thing, and it seemed like great idea at the time, but if you no longer like the way this thing is making your future look, you can change it. You can drop it. You can start fresh. The things we do should make us look forward to the days ahead. And if that is no longer the case, move on to something that does. Sometimes the hope for the future comes from what we stop doing, not what we keep doing.

Alright, quick and dirty February tarotscopes are a wrap. I hope they give you some ideas for intentions and pauses at the New Moon. Take what feels right and leave the rest, and always check your rising sign too.

Happy New Moon (w)(b)itches 💋

t

Welcome, to what is possibly my most insane idea to date.

For year’s I’ve been threatening to write really in-depth recaps of Supernatural, bringing an academic eye and well researched essays to a show about pretty boys hunting monsters.

I think people thought I was joking, but I want to be really clear - I absolutely was not joking.

It’s been one of those things I alway put off because I wasn’t sure if I had the time, or if people were interested.

But you know what, fuck that noise.

I’m interested in writing it, and if you don’t want to read it, you don’t have to.

And as for time? Talking about these pretty boy monster hunters is literally one of my all time favorite pastimes, so I can make the damn time.

Which brings us to here, right now, today.

My first idea was to launch this new endeavor on Valentine’s Day, because, and sorry to my boyfriend, Supernatural is quite possibly my one true love. I have loved it longer than I’ve loved him, so you know first come first served.

But then I realized that Valentines fell on a Saturday, and for reasons I can’t explain, I am suspicious of posting newsletters on weekends.

I was so upset about my plans being thwarted, that it took me a moment to realize a different, better option was staring me right in the face.

Friday The 13th.

I wasn’t even sure I was going to commit to the project, but once I saw that Friday the 13th was the day before Valentine’s, I knew I had to do it. It’s too perfect not to.

So here we all are.

For The Road Again I will be rewatching every episode, every season, and recapping it all as I go.

Now here is my big confession: I haven’t seen the whole thing yet. I’ve probably watched up through season ten, maybe. But really, once we get past seasons eight or nine, my memory is hazy and I might as well be watching for the first time. However, if I meet my goal of one episode a week, seasons eight and nine are literally years years away, so let’s just cross that bridge when we get to it.

I see Supernatural as a very Gothic text. And yes, I’m going to be calling it a text because it creates an equity amongst all the things I’ll be talking about in conjunction with it. The Castle Of Otranto, Near Dark, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, We Have Always Lived In The Castle, Buffy, to name a few examples - for my purposes they are all texts. And they are all important.

Obviously Supernatural is also a Horror text. There is a lot of cross over between Gothic and Horror. Episode by episode, it may feel like a horror show, and it’s creator, Eric Kripke, was adamant that each episode feel and look like a mini horror movie.

There is an immediacy to horror. Most horror stories do not have a sustainable energy. You can’t hold that tension for long, something will always need to happen. There are certain beats that you can expect and a good horror text will find them. The standard network television episode length of 45 minutes (minus commercials) actually gives us the perfect framework. You can find those horror beats you know and love, keep it in a tightly controlled format, and then get it all wrapped up with a bow inside an hour.

Episode by episode it feels like horror.

Gothic is different. While it has tropes we see across the genre, and certain exceptions to meet, it is a more ephemeral and atmospheric thing, which makes it more sustainable.

I would even say that you can have gothic without horror, but you cannot have horror without at least a little gothic.

Taken as a whole, Supernatural gives us something Gothic. All those mini horror movies add up to something unsettling, designed to keep us uncertain and unstable within the story, and that is Gothic AF. As we get deeper into the series, discoveries are made that call into question what we know about narration and who is in charge of the story we are seeing, the constantly shifting home-bases (when they even have a spot to call home) that the Winchester boys utilize, the roles people play, the relationships between men and women, and victim and victee, all pile up to make this show about pretty boy monster hunters a standout Gothic text.

And yes, even the fact that these monster hunters are pretty, is Gothic. The Gothic is a deeply aesthetic genre, appearance is always important. Whether it is the appearance we are consciously putting on, or our real one; how people, creatures, and monsters look is a big part of the Gothic genre. Look at Jekyll and Hyde, Dorian and his portrait, Victor turning away in fear from his hideous creation. The most foundational Gothic texts we have are centered on what appearance means, and how it defines us.

Sam and Dean Winchester’s prettiness in the face of the grim world they live in and the horrible things they do is intentional. I mean also it’s a WB/CW show from the early 2000’s with a target audience of young women, so like I said, intentional.

To be clear it is both Gothic, white dresses-abandoned castles and American Gothic, Henley’s-dive bars in the middle nowhere. Desolate landscapes, seemingly normal homes hiding horrors and terrible fathers are prevalent in both.

I will watch random episodes of Supernatural from time to time, but it has been years since I’ve attempted any kind of rewatch like this, so I am sure I will feel like I am discovering a lot of details for the first time.

I am not sure how each recap will look, but it will be lot more involved than a scene by scene description of what goes on. This is the start of a very long term project, and I am sure as I get deeper into it, its shape will become clearer.

But you can expect a lot of theories and ideas pulled in from different kinds sources. Academic texts, personal essays, other films and tv shows, romance novels, (the overlap between gothic, horror and romance is massive).

I tend to be drawn to certain types of things and ideas, and always have been. Part of the reason Supernatural struck me so hard, was that I see all these things I’ve already put so much thought into reflected back in it. And what I really want to do is explore all these connections.

So this is the start of that.

I’ll also be putting out YouTube reaction videos of my rewatches. So if you feel like watching along that way, check it out here! Like I said, talking about pretty boy monster hunters is literally a favorite pastime, so why not embrace it on all the platforms. They will be little more unstructured and informal. I’ll be filming my real time reactions so you’ll probably see a lot of “wow I don’t remember this” and even more “wow! Dean looks pretty there” and then maybe if you’re really lucky you’ll see me start to form some the ideas that my recap essays will expand on.

Next week we’ll be kicking things off officially with the Pilot episode. Sam. Dean. Bitch. Jerk. Mom burning on the ceiling. Dad’s on a hunting trip.

It’s iconic, and boy oh boy do I have things to say about all those white nightgowns!

So pop over to YouTube, my reaction video will be out first, followed by my recap a few days later!

And just a note on spoilers: there will be spoilers.

If this your first time watching the show, these are not the recaps for you. I will be assuming my viewers and readers will be familiar with the show. I will be making links to things that happen in other episodes. I am going to talk as though we have the same level of Supernatural experience.

These are going to be deep dives, and I am so excited to finally put my money where my mouth is and start this fucking project!

See ya Tuesday (w)(b)itches 💋

If you’ve fallen down the rabbit hole of EDCs (everyday carry) you have probably noticed they fall into three categories.

What gun do you bring with you.

What tools do you bring with you in case the zombie apocalypse happens on the way to Whole Foods

And what little essentials and trinkets do you deem important enough to carry in your bag every time you leave the house.

If there was any doubt, I’m gonna be talking about option number three.

A quick perusal on social media of everyday carry and what’s in my bag posts show that third category includes a wide mixture of things you need, and things you need to feel good.

I said in my first post of the year, that my everyday carry was one of the things I would be thinking about this year. Analyzing, perfecting, refining. Both the bags I put it in, and the things that fill the bag.

A few days after I wrote my thoughts, I stumbled on post about this very thing,

The Anchoress Archives

Daily Carry: the things we carry with us.

“A calico pocket containing a prayer book, a silk purse, a thimble and a quantity of coins was snatched from a woman by a ‘notorious’ rogue in London.’ In another remarkably similar case two years later in 1718, a woman’s pocket that contained her prayer book, a handkerchief and 1 penc…

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4 months ago · 41 likes · 11 comments · Katy Jones-Gulsby, MLIS, CA

and reading it only solidified my belief that this was something worth thinking about

A few days after that I read ’s piece on Werk Bags, where she quotes “women in New York don’t have cars, they have purses.”

maeve's Substack

Werk Bags

A wise woman once said, “Women in New York don’t have cars, they have purses…

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3 months ago · 11 likes · 9 comments · maeve

And what started as a loose idea, I knew I wanted to think about it, but I wasn’t sure why, or in what context, started to become clearer.

Our bags our lifelines. In our busy lives, when we are out in the big, bad, overstimulating world, they are a solace. A physical place in space that exists just for us.

Take another look at all those “in my bag” posts, another common theme is they have moments of luxury. A leather journal, a designer wallet, a snack tin with charcuterie goodies, a posh lip balm.

And sure there, is an element of social media consumerism here. Of course. We show the best versions of ourself, our most aspirational, online.

But there is something about keeping these little luxuries squirreled away, to be pulled out just for us, to remind us who we are when we need it, that is very appealing.

In her post on the Anchoress Archives Katy Jones-Gulsby writes “One of my goals for 2026 is to slowly attempt to replace throw-away, cheaply made things with something substantial, beautiful, and probably vintage.”

There are those of us who spend more time with a bag on our shoulder than we do at home. So why not make that bag, and its contents, the best possible version it can be. We consider what we put in our homes, make sure that they are reflection of ourselves and our bags should be the same.

I’m totally stealing the idea to slowly start upgrading the things in my bag to better versions.

I already switched back to a leather journal cover from my newer clear plastic one. The clear was cute, I collaged it up so it looked fun, but there was something about the substantialness of the leather I missed. The plastic was never going to show its age like a badge of honor, a physical testament to all the days spent together.

Sure I have a tube of travel Advil and couple band-aids in my bag. But I also have a tarot deck I cut down by hand to be even more compact. I have a portable charger for my phone, but I have it in a pouch I picked up at the Uffizi Gallery. It shares the space with a bandana that used to be my grandma’s, the aforementioned tarot deck and band aids, a lip balm, my favorite hand cream, and a tiny bottle of Tajin, for emergencies. This is the combination of functional and luxury I am talking about.

You don’t need the best version of everything in your bag. But for Christmas I was given a Chanel compact mirror, and I swapped out the one from Boots I’d been carrying around for years. Does it make a difference. Not really, but sometimes having a moment where you feel fancy while you check for food in your teeth is a nice little pick me up.

Our everyday carries can be luxuries just for us. Places of respite, on the go alters, reminders of who we are, and where we’re going. Even the act of intentionally collecting the items we carry is like a manifesto. This is who I am. These are the things that matter. This is me at my best, in portable format.

Mine isn’t perfect, it’s a work in progress, a moving target, a living thing. But it’s getting there. And now I have a clearer idea about what I want it to do it.

Now I just need to find the perfect, functional, animal print bag to put it all in.

this post discusses weight gain and loss, body image, diet culture and other things connected to this topic. If these are hard for you, please don’t make yourself read something that will upset you when there are so many things you could read that will make you happy.

Alright, if you were on the internet in the last few weeks, you probably saw everyone and their mother posting pictures from 2016 dug out of the archives.

And let’s get this out of the way first.

Theoretically I know 2016 was 10 years ago. I know that 2016 + 10 = 2026.

But I don’t know it in my soul.

I turned 30 in 2026 and will be turning 40 this year, and again that is fairly simple math, that even I can do.

But looking at the pictures, I kept thinking, “huh, was that trip really 10 whole years ago?” “That happened that long ago?” And I couldn’t quite wrap my head around it.

It was a little bittersweet. Which I think was the whole point of the mass social media walk down memory lane.

The world wasn’t quite so bleak. The news was bad, but it didn’t feel like you were suffocating every day.

On a personal level I was happier in a lot of ways. Living in a place you enjoy being in will do that. But obviously, I am aware that I am looking at my own personal highlight reel, and it has the same gaslighting effect as social media does.

We tend to only take pictures of the good time, even if we aren’t intending to share them with the world. Photos will always be a highlight reel.

The one thing that stood out as shockingly obvious to me, and little bit of a mind fuck, was how skinny I was.

It is the first thing you notice when you look at the pictures. Not slim in a fit way, skinny in a you can see my rib bones way.

I look unhealthy. Or at least to my current eyes I do.

Now here’s where I tell you we can never judge someone by how their body looks in any given moment, because having been there, I know I wasn’t unhealthy.

I was not trying to be that skinny. 10 years ago it just happened to be my natural state of being.

I ate good food. And drank fancy cocktails. I was never on diet or obsessed with working out.

I have always counted myself fairly lucky that I have a pretty easy going relationship with my body. I mean I grew up in the late 90’s and early 00’s, so I have always thought I could lose a bit of weight, but it never consumed me. And I never wanted it bad enough to give up chips and salsa or Mac and cheese.

I know even back then, I thought losing a few pounds wouldn’t be a bad thing. I wasn’t going to make it priority, but if had happened, I wouldn’t have minded.

Which is another crazy thing about how we view our bodies, because back then I didn’t think I was that skinny. I have always been on the slim side, and like I said, that was my natural state. It was my normal, I didn’t see it as anything out of the ordinary.

And now, ten years later it is all I see when I look at the photos.

I can say with complete certainty - I don’t want to look like that again.

Which is great for me, because guess what? I sure as fuck don’t.

I’ve put weight on, which is totally normal human body thing to do.

Do I think I could still lose a few pounds. Honestly yes. I blame the era I grew up in. I think I can think that and still have a good relationship with my body. I am not going to kill myself over those fictional pounds I could lose. I think I look better now than I did back then, but if a few pounds shed, I wouldn’t be unhappy.

I will still always pick the cannoli. Or the Mac and cheese. Or the fresh bread my boyfriend bakes with salty butter.

Right now I am focused getting stronger and I would rather that make me look more toned then skinner. And even if it doesn’t affect the looks, I’ll still be getting stronger, which is what I really want.

I am less concerned with how it looks than how it feels. I don’t want getting my suitcase up to my fourth floor walk up to feel like the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I want to feel stronger and more comfortable which is what I’m focusing on.

I also know that if I wanted to get back to the size I was 10 years I would need to take drastic measures. What was healthy and normal for me then, is no longer healthy or normal for me. Getting back to that size would mean centering my whole life around my weight. I would need to drastically change how I live my life. How I eat, how my days are structured, even what I do for fun.

I wouldn’t be happy. I also wouldn’t be healthy either mentally or physically.

I don’t want to do it. It doesn’t sound fun.

And looking at those 10 years old pictures, I am happy I can realize this.

It feels cleansing. It feels like I can finally work towards that fresh start I’ve been craving.

My weight gain snuck up on me, as it does for a lot of women in their late 30’s. I don’t mind it, but I’m still not fully comfortable with it, and in a lot of ways I still think of myself as the smaller size I was for most of my life, even if that isn’t reflected in the clothing sizes I’m currently buying.

But I never really considered what the before was. It was just some fantasy in my head - and I would zip up things that no longer fit into under bed storage bags and think “they’ll fit again someday.” Mostly because being that size was like a weird habit I couldn’t quite shake.

I held on to them because in my mind I was still thinking that size was more natural for me then what I am now.

I know it’s crazy. Obviously what ever size you are is the size you are naturally. That’s what I would have told clients when I was styling, or friends if they mentioned a weight gain.

But do as I say, not as I do is real.

Those photos weren’t a wake up call, but more like the closing of a chapter.

I don’t need to hold on to those small clothes anymore, because I don’t want to hold on to the woman who fit into them.

It was the permission I needed to start really getting rid of stuff. To say good bye to things I have been holding on to, not because they don’t fit, but because I don’t want to fit them.

I’ve thought a lot the past few years about changes I need to make in my life, and directions I need to go. It’s a total rebuild I’m after, and in a weird way, the realizations I had looking at those photos, make it feel more possible.

Maybe subconsciously I was always trying to get back, even if I thought I was trying to move forward, and now I can finally break the hold that has on me and genuinely start fresh.

I don’t have to feel guilty about buying something new, because I have a version of it that might fit again someday. Thinking this way about clothes, has had a sort of domino effect on the rest of my life.

I am not trying to go back. I am not trying to get back to something I was. I don’t want to. I can move on knowing that was normal then, and now new things are normal.

Clothes are essential to our identity. I have always said that I want people to be able to figure out who I am and what I like and how I live based on my outfits. They are me, they are selected intentionally. I worked hard to develop my personal style, and yes, it will tell you a lot about me.

Theoretically I have always known that getting rid of things that don’t fit, that don’t work, that take up space and aren’t used, is good. That it clears mental clutter as well as spacial clutter. That we can feel freer and more at peace without the metaphorical weight of what we don’t use dragging us down.

But sometimes we need something more than that. Sometimes we need to look a picture and say, “wow, I don’t want to be this again.”

So I am putting in the work. I am trying things on and pulling the under bed storage bins out, and things are going away.

Then, I’m going to redo my closet area. I’ve making do with things that kind of work, but not really. And things that I don’t even really like. Kinda like my wardrobe.

How nice will be it to have a closet that I can look at knowing everything there fits. Knowing that none of it is holding me an ideal I’m not interested in anymore. That I can dressed in things that don’t hold me to an outdated standard. That I can really focus on building up my wardrobe to my current reality.

I think it’ll make doing the same for the rest of my life easier.

So thank you 2016 photos. I’m glad you’re there, but I don’t want to be you.

Just a little round up of some things you might have missed and some things that kept me happy this month.

Every year I am like, woah, January feels loooonnnggg. And even though I say it every year, I am surprised by it every year.

Anyway, here are the things that made it manageable.

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watching

heated rivalry. obviously.

Like I am pretty sure that there was some kind of catastrophic event that erased every other tv show from existence, and this is the only one we have left.

Oh, except for Supernatural, which I also watched. It’s for research though. I’ll be starting a series of deep dive episode by episode recaps in February.

Why? Because I am an adult and I can decide how I spend my time.

I could also give you a whole deep dive run down about how Ilya Rozanov and Dean Winchester are the same word, different fonts. You know if you wanted me to. (Please want me to)

reading

women who run with the wolves

This should be required reading for all women. That fact that it was published in the early 90’s is both amazing, because it is still so relevant, but also a little heartbreaking, because it is still so relevant.

It is inspiring in way that feels accessible. Like you could absolutely become the wild woman it talks about, it isn’t some far away distant thing, you could start right now. It has that kind of immediacy to it.

carl’s doomsday scenario

This is book two in the Dungeon Crawler Carl series, and things get surprisingly deep and emotional here. I was expecting some fun action and laugh out loud moments, and it definitely has those, but it will also make you cry.

using

o’keefes working hands

I am girly with dry skin who hates the feel of something on my hands. While I’m cooking or doing my skincare routine I am constantly rinsing my hands BECAUSE I CANNOT POSSIBLY DO STEP TWO WHILE STEP ONE LINGERS ON MY FINGERS. And all the rinsing, and then subsequent drying, really sucks the moisture right out of my hands. But hand creme is hard because of the aforementioned having something on my hands issue.

This is is literally the only hand creme I have ever found that absorbs quickly enough that I do not feel like I need rinse my hands after I put it on, thus starting the whole cycle over again.

Also, I love a bright green anything.

milk makeup hydro grip gel skin tint

Ok, look I won’t lie. I saw Connor Storrie at the Golden Gobes and my first thought was, what does that boy have on his face, I need it. Dewy, glowy, no make up make perfection. Luckily his make up artist dropped the routine and this was it.

So I, fully delusional, took my self to Sephora convinced that this was the answer and that the dewiness had nothing to do with being a 25 year old having all his dreams come true.

It is definitely my kind of barely there, glowy coverage that maybe, if you looked really quickly and from a distance would make you think I woke up like this.

Does it give me the glow of a 25 year old having the best year of his life. No.

Would I recommend it? Yes.

If I lost it tomorrow would I replace immediately? Also yes, and that’s kinda the best review I can give.

kodak porta 400

I wanted the hype to be fake.

It was not.

Life is short splurge on the good film.

doing

photo walks

At least once a week I have been trying to take myself and my camera out for a walk around Copenhagen.

It is no secret how I feel about Copenhagen (not great) and the first time I did this, it was kind of depressing. I struggled to find things I liked enough to take a picture of. It has got to the point, where I genuinely struggle to see the beauty or interesting bits of this city.

But I kept trying.

And it has got easier.

I find more and more things to take a picture of.

I will never love this town, especially not in the depths of winter, but I do think this habit is forcing my out of my negative stance a little, so that I can see some good parts when I wander around now.

what I wrote.

In case you missed any of my newsletters, here’s a quick little recap so you can double back to anything that strikes your fancy.

26 thoughts

Not resolutions, just like ideas for 2026.

Wherein finding a physical copy of Near Dark ranks with the same importance as starting therapy.

yearning for a goddamn happy ending

I am quite proud of the fact that I have managed to work Heated Rivalry references into every single article I published this month.

But of course this show deserves the sunshine of a full post, and it got that too.

This is my take, as a romance reader, on why and how the series became as stratospherically popular as it did.

new moon tarotscopes

A little new moon reflection is always important so take another look and see if there are any lessons you wanna bring into February, or if “new month, new me” is gonna be your working motto.

diary of stationery junkie

I love talking about notebooks almost as much as I love purchasing notebooks. Indulge me.

lingering lore: little women

A nostalgic look back at a movie that taught me a lot about girlhood, romance and getting ready.

up next

What can you look forward to in February?

So glad you asked!

Those Supernatural deep dives will be headed your way. I’m all about placing Supernatural in its proper place within the scholarly world of Gothic Academia. I mean some ones gotta do it right?

A little look back at the Bronwyn of 2016. It’s time to let go of a few things, I mean that literally because looking at those pictures was the wake call I needed. I am never fitting into those jeans again!

And of course, another set of New Moon Tarotscopes, for all my fellow New Moon lovers who love the rest and reset at the start of the cycle.

There will be a few more bits and pieces as well, but I’m still mood boarding that shit!

See ya next month (w)(b)itches 💋

Subscribe now

Welcome to Lingering Lore, a nostalgic love letter to the pop culture that shaped me. I’ll be re-watching, re-reading, and re-listening to the bits and pieces of media that had the biggest impact on me. I’ll be looking at why I loved it in the first place, and whether or not I still do. I’ll be asking if it holds up today and if it’s still worth a look. I’ll be exploring where and/or if its influence shows up in more recent things I love. Part pop culture study and part excuse for me to watch the shit I love and call it work!

It’s like a deep dive into the archives of Outlaw Witch.

This version of Little Women is one of my top five films of all time. In fact I won’t watch another version. Why would I when I have perfection right here? I will even admit, with some shame and under a bit of duress, that I have not even read the book. This version is so dear to me that I don’t even want to risk the source material tainting my views of it.

There were periods in my life when I watched it every night as I fell asleep. Volume turned down low on my little 13-inch TV/VCR combo unit watching a VHS recorded off tv.

It was released in 1994, directed by Gillian Armstrong, with an adapted screenplay by Robin Swicord. Although usually I just call it the “Winona Version.”

It’s cast is made up of a veritable who’s who of 1990’s cool girls. Samantha Mathis. Claire Danes. Kirsten Dunst. And of course, Winona Ryder.

Jo March has been speaking to the strange and unusual literary girls ever since the book Little Women was published. And for me, Jo speaks definitively through Winona.

Restless and anxious. Wanting so much, but not being able to reach for it. And then sometimes not taking it when it is available, because it feels like too much. Watching now as an adult woman with my late-in-life ADHD diagnosis in hand, I can’t help but wonder if Jo is the same. Yes, she’s a “tomboy”. Yes, she struggles in a world whose expectations of women do not mesh with her expectations of herself. But there are moments of hyperfixation, and executive dysfunction, of stimming and avoidance that make me think “oh!” Maybe little me was responding to something I wouldn’t even understand until decades later.

I’m not a doctor, or a psychologist. But when I think of the women in my life I have been drawn to. Over a love of books, of weird fixations, of enjoying time alone more than time out socializing, who love planners and paper, of not quite right social responses and no desire to correct then, and yes, women who love Little Women - I can’t help but think maybe I am on to something.

But that is not actually what I came here to talk about.

Let’s start with something that annoyed me.

It had been several years since I watched, maybe more. And this time around, after dozens, maybe close to a hundred viewings, one thing really riled me up.

In these stories where a wild girl, who loves pretend and Romance, and fantasy, and yearns for a life bigger than where and when they are, they are always told to write what they know. See also Anne of Green Gables. (This version of Little Women and the 1985 television version of Anne Of Green Gables share many similarities, here’s a video that shows what I mean.) Both Anne and Jo speak to a certain kind of women, and their influence over young girls who don’t quite fit and love books more than people should never be doubted.

And both Anne and Jo are chastised for writing fantasy instead of tales rooted in reality.

Jo is told that her stories aren’t serious. That these fantasies women read and enjoy are not worth writing about. That even as a woman she shouldn’t waste her time writing such pointless things.

This is obviously a problem we still see today, the things women enjoy are not treated as seriously as the things men enjoy, even when it amounts to the same thing. When women dress as an “era” to see Taylor Swift they are immature and silly. When a dude shows up to a football game dressed in costume as his favorite player, he’s a fan and it’s perfectly acceptable.

This litany of “these are fairy stories” and “write what you know” annoyed me. Has always annoyed me.

I will die on the hill of knowing that the romances and fantasies, the gothic dramas, and stories where daggers are concealed in boots that women enjoy are important. The mere fact that women enjoy them in the face of men acting like they are silly is proof of their importance.

So Jo, my girl, as ever, I hear ya.

Whether fairy tales, or stories about queer hockey players falling in love, the stories women want to read about and watch about are important. And, for me there, is something disappointing that Jo winds up abandoning them for reality. That she gives into what all these men are saying.

The other thing I noticed watching this, was that it presents a very accessible version of girlhood. A familiar one.

I am hardly the first person to notice this, but with discussions on girlhood being so prevalent across media at the moment, it was particularly noticeable.

This book has even become a valuable resource for people who study what the lives and experiences of little girls and young women were like historically. Even though it is fiction, the window it provides into how little girls existed in their own spaces is invaluable to researchers and historians.

Girlhood is a spectrum and it stretches from Jo March’s impropriety and ambition, all the way through to Meg March’s angel-in-the-house goals and need to be proper.

In an article about Greta Gerwig’s 2019 adaptation (don’t talk to me about it), Rachel Page writes for Refinery29,

Part of what makes the story transcend generation after generation so well is the fact that these Little Women could be any of us, at any age, at anytime, whether yesterday or today.

It doesn’t matter in what era a girl or woman is watching this, they will recognize what these girls and women are doing. The way they play. The way they fight. The way they get ready. The way they can simply share a couch comfortably and partake of individual tasks without speaking.

The first time we see the four March sisters interacting without a parent present, they are playing pretend. They are dressed up in men’s clothes, as newspaper editors and contributors discussing the contents of the next edition of their self published newspaper. They are clearly inspired by Charles Dickens’s The Pickwick Papers - and it’s important to remember that in the 1860’s Dickens was not the university syllabus staple that he is today. These books were lower pop culture, read for fun and frivolity and produced for the masses, so it makes sense that the girls are “playing pretend” with Dickens.

They are also clearly still very much themselves, even as they dress up as other people. Jo writes a swashbuckler, Amy gives advice, Beth contributes a recipe. Meg keeps the peace between the different personalities of everyone

And for any woman who remembers playing as a child, this feels spot on.

They are playing at being themselves in different circumstances. Idealized versions of themselves. Little Mary Sues. Sure it’s a trope that gets a bad rep, but for children it’s just normal play.

The March girls want more money, more influence on the world around them. They want the things they see other people having that their circumstances do not allow, both financially and as women in society. So dressing up as newspaper men allow them to fulfill those wishes, while remaining fundamentally themselves.

They also, of course, do more serious play acting where they are different characters. Acting out Jo’s wild tales as she writes them. Full of dukes in disguise and damsels in distress.

I feel like it is both no secret at all, and yet one of the biggest secrets in the world - but little girls are morbid, dramatic, gruesome little creatures. For anyone who needs an initiation, I direct you to Alex Rowe’s Instagram, where she compares how people think little girls play, with what actually happens. The imagined version is all tea parties and princess, the reality, which as former little girl I can attest to, is full of grim orphanages, outbreaks of plague, escaping from the sewers, raising little siblings because all parents have tragically and gruesomely been killed, shipwrecks and kidnappings, eking out sustenance from one moldy piece of bread.

It’s the same kind of play we see in Jo’s tales. Over the top, and a little morbid, but somehow still fun. And again, oh so familiar. We didn’t just dress up in a pretty dress. We dressed up in a pretty dress because we were the ghost of someone who died horribly and was seeking revenge. And because pretty dresses are great for drama.

And ok, if you cannot recognize this kind of feminine morbid play time, this movie gives us something I am beyond sure you can recognize.

The Getting Ready

“Where are we getting ready? Are you coming here, or should I come to yours”

The Getting Ready is often the most important part of the event.

The Getting Ready is a ritual. It is a social event. It is female bonding. It is a bathroom counter covered with make up. It is “here, try this shade”. It is dipping in and out of each other’s closets because, wait, “I have just the thing you need.” And yes, as poor Meg discovers, it often comes with more hair damage than is practical.

But its importance cannot be denied.

And this movie gives us so much Getting Ready.

We have the sisters good-naturedly in the kitchen, hyping each other up, ruining each other’s hair, and dropping unexpectedly deep knowledge. (Amy’s “you don’t need scores of suitors. You only need one, if he’s the right one.”) Beth is there, she’s not going to the event, but her presence is necessary. Sometimes it isn’t you getting ready at all, sometimes you are just there for moral support while someone else gets ready.

It’s the time before you go out and suddenly the pressure to conform and meet expectations comes screaming back in. But for The Getting Ready, there are no expectations. You can just exist in a space both safe from the male gaze, and hopefully, fingers crossed, safe from the eye infections that come from sharing mascara.

Of course, it isn’t always like that. When you are Getting Ready with your people it’s a safe zone, but when you are Getting Ready outside of your circle, it can become something else. Meg learns this hard way at Sally Moffat’s coming out party. Here, The Getting Ready is weaponized as women try to meet the expectations of a society that isn’t even present in the dressing room.

Meg isn’t quite up to their standard. A little too undone, a little too handmade, a little too opinionated. One of the women point out that her beautiful dress, made with love and pride by one of her sisters, is “an afternoon dress.” If you want to know the true the weight of those words let me tell how often I put on something to go to out in the evening and then I look in the mirror and for whatever reason I think “this is an afternoon dress” and go change.

These moments, right down to the smell of burning hair, are things I am almost certain women of all ages will recognize. These moments of universal and timeless girlhood, they not only reflect our own actions back, but show us how to be girl. How to exist in a world that doesn’t really care about how we interact when we’re with other girls. A world that has deemed these moments, immediately identifiable by women across space and time, as unimportant.

It is no wonder that it seems like every generation needs to have its own version of Little Women made.

I think that, like me, many women relate to Jo. She is the hero, and she is our primary way into this story. But she only represents one of the infinite kinds of accessible girlhood available to us. Her three sisters are each unique and full characters in themselves.

A review of the movie on femres.org states,

this version solidified Jo March as a definitive feminist icon for a generation, yet its true radicalism lies in its equal validation of all four sisters disparate paths.

You get the feeling in this movie that the March Matriarch, Marmee, treats all her girls equally. They are given the same education, the same household chores, the same freedoms and expectations, the same foundation and knowledge of the world, and then they get to decide among all of that who they are.

Other stories might punish Amy for being a social climber, or Meg for dreaming of a domestic life. But since they all know the same realities, it feels like they have made these choices out of genuinely knowing what they want, rather than the need to conform to society. Marmee just wants them all to use the intelligence she made sure she gave them in whatever life they choose for themselves.

And a girlhood that doesn’t allow for every type of girl-dom, is no girlhood at all.

Speaking of girlhood, it is only right to talk about boys. Because you can say whatever you want about the Bechdel test, but the reality is girls spend a lot of time talking about boys. Boys we like. Boys we hate. Boys we used to like and now we hate, boys we used to hate but now we like. Boys who have wronged us. Boys who have righted us. Boys who are only good for one thing.

When Jo and Meg met Laurie at a ball, Amy asks, “tell me about The Boy?”

I still say that. If a friend is going out with a new person, “tell me about The Boy?” If a friend is having problems with a boyfriend/husband/partner, he is demoted; “tell me about The Boy.” All men need climb out of being The Boy, an interchangeable masculine creature that maybe we admire from afar, but has to prove himself if he ever wants to be more than just “The Boy.”

And frankly, let’s talk about The Boy.

Laurie. Theodore Laurence.

As a girl watching this, I never understood why Jo turned him down. As a girl who dreamed Romantic dreams of being swept off my feet by a cute Boy with Good Hair, I could not wrap my head around why she didn’t just marry him. He’s cute! They like each other! They flirt!

As an adult, I finally get it.

Jo and Laurie are very similar. Dissatisfied with the life other people expect them to live. They know they want more, but they aren’t quite sure what that is yet. Jo is further along in the process than Laurie is though, she has the shape of an idea, and it seems like Laurie doesn’t even have that.

He begins his proposal by saying he’s being sent to London to learn “the business.” He doesn’t really want to go, and the only thing that makes the idea bearable to him, is to bring Jo along. So he proposes.

He claims he’s in love, but if he didn’t want to bring the comfort of his best friend with him to London, I doubt he’d be proposing. And what will he do in London? He’ll be at work, and Jo will be alone. Sure, he says she can write, but while he would be expected to socialize with the men of the company, Jo would be expected to do that with their wives, and I promise you she’d be miserable. She is smart enough to know she’d be miserable too.

Laurie does not want Jo for her life, he wants her for his.

When she says, “I just can’t go be a wife,” we should read that as Wife. It would be a title, a role she is expected to play that has nothing to do with the life she is after, or even the life she is already living.

Then. THEN. He says, “you wouldn’t have to write unless you wanted to” (italics mine).

The. Boy. Does. Not. Get. It.

Jo is not writing because she has figured out this is the best way she can help her family. She’s writing because the stories in her head need to get out. She is writing because she is striving for a life that means more, that lets her be more, and learn more. It is not a means to an end, and it is not a hobby she does out of boredom, and if Laurie doesn’t get that, he doens’t really understand Jo at all.

So when Professor Bhaer shows up, he wants Jo for her life. For the life she is already living. The whole piece she already is. He knows her fingers will always have ink stains. That there will be nights she doesn’t come to bed because she’s writing. That there will be more time in their house with their books than socializing. He sees all that about her, and thinks yep. I’ll take the whole thing. 1

In Cher terms, he is the dessert to her life. Her life is whole, and he is there because she chooses him. He is a welcome addition, not a load bearing structure.

And alright, alright. Bhaer is not perfect. He commits the heinous crime of telling Jo that she should “write what she knows.”

Which brings me back to my original point: this makes me so fucking mad!

It’s framed as constructive criticism. He doesn’t see “the woman he has the privilege of knowing” in her writing. The implication being that it is silly and frivolous and Jo is not. That instead of writing something she genuinely enjoys, Jo is stooping to exceptions. That is all a woman could write, so it’s what she writes. That she isn’t living up to her full potential.

But like, dude. Come on. Watching two male hockey players bang is not reflective of my reality or who I am either. But it’s a damn sight more enjoyable than either “transcendentalism” or “literary fiction”

This is a very modern complaint. I am aware. As more and more women are fighting against the patriarchy that has made them feel silly and frivolous for their tastes, interests, and hobbies - I do think it’s a valid complaint. In a world where being something women like automatically makes it lesser, I take it to heart.

And my heart has always broken, just a little, that the happy ending in this story is Jo capitulating to the men’s advice and “writing what she knows.”

For all my annoyance at Jo for taking all these stupid men’s advice and writing what she knows, I can acknowledge that when she actually sits down to do it, she is making very basic everyday girl things important. She was elevating the way girls play, and exist in spaces without men or their influence to a level of importance they don’t usually see.

I know it is meant to be a moment of growth for Jo, and it is. She finally can step into adulthood, leaving the play of girlhood behind her. Jo gives the life she had at home and as a little girl more value in writing about it than she ever did while she lived it. She sees the importance of those moments of girlhood she was so eager to escape from.

I can see all that, and I can also yearn for people to see the real value in the fairy tales she held so dear when the life expected of “little women” didn’t give her what she needed. Both within the world of the story, and the real world.

I can yearn for Jo to see it too.

Without those fantasies, the dramas, and the dress-up, this story wouldn’t be about “girlhood.”

You need both. You can have both.

For a movie that taught me so much of what being a girl meant, I cannot really be mad at it for saying all these small, important, huge, silly things girls do are worth writing about.

But I am still a little mad at it, and that is my peace to make.

My whole life I have wanted to buy every pretty planner and/or notebook I’ve seen.

I have always been a paper person. The corner store near my childhood home would never tear off the receipts as they printed, so there was always a long roll of them. The guy who worked there would rip them off and give me the whole thing. It was that old kind of register that printed out a kind of purple/blue ink. Beautiful.

I treasured them. I kept them in an old cookie tin. I didn’t do anything with them, but I wanted them. My mom threw them out one day in a pique of frustration with her daughter keeping trash inside of bigger trash. I was very upset.

I was four, and I didn’t know about junk journals. But I feel like that gives you a petty good idea of my instincts when it comes to paper and paper adjacent products.

A rack of free adversing postcards hates to see me coming.

So really, it should come as no surprise I am writing a newsletter for strangers on the internet about all the notebooks I’m currently using, and how I’m using them.

Also, mom, I’m sorry. I currently have a bunch of stickers in the tin the Jingle Jangle from Trader Joe’s came in. I’m still upset about the receipts too.

primary planner

The work horse.

There is something so very deeply satisfying about seeing everything written out, ticked off, lined up, and filled in.

After a few years away, I’ve gone back to an A5 ring bound style for this planner. I have the Sterling Ink dated inserts for it. They make monthly, weekly, and daily - and I got them all baby.

I use this as a kind of planner meets bullet journal.

The monthly spreads are where all events, appointments, trips, and planned writing projects go. It helps me to see it all laid out. How many things I have to write a month, with everything I’m doing so I can plan accordingly. I put the writing projects on little sticky flags so I can I move them around as needed.

The weekly sections get even more detailed. I transfer the things from the monthly section over, but I add instagram posts, weekly and daily to-do lists, works outs, and a few things I like to track daily.

The daily sections are where the bullet journal style comes in. I pretty much write anything I need there. Ideas, interesting quotes, notes, reminders. I used colored coded stickers to index them, and an index in the back (which doubles as inbox) so I can find things I need easily.

There are monthly trackers where I track things in more detail than the daily ones, which is new this year, but I think It’ll be good for me.

I keep collections in the back. Things like wishlists, order trackers, and anything else that doesn’t fit elsewhere. If certain projects need more dedicated note space than I have in the daily pages, they go here too. As they get filled up or completed they get decanted into a separate, dedicated note binder, which is not included in this lineup, because I see it more as a reference item than a planner. (And frankly my note taking system is entirely different thing and if y’all are real lucky, maybe I’ll write that up someday. )

So there you go, this is my main planner, something I use everyday and is definitely not the work of a madman.

walking around planner

This is the planner I keep in my bag. There is a lot of cross over between this and the primary planner. All events, appointments, and trips are in both planners. If I have ideas, or something I need to take notes on while I’m out, it goes here, and depending on what it is, it may get transferred to the primary planner.

It also houses shopping lists, and important things - like a check list of all 60 something books in J.D Robb’s In Death series so when I’m at charity shops or used book stores I know which ones I already have and which I need to add to my collection. Any lists I need to reference while I’m out and about live here.

And I’m not gonna lie, I often glue receipts in here, because if you are born a receipt hoarder, nothing is gonna change that. Again, sorry mom.

journal

My diary.

Like a teen girls, it is full of pictures, treasures, tokens of places I’ve been and things I’ve done, and printed pictures of boys I think are cute.

I also write about all those things too. Sometimes it’s just a little recap of what I’ve been doing. Sometimes it’s a multipage outpouring of feelings.

It’s very personal, I’ve been using the same journalling method for years. Half junk journal, half writing, always very thick by the time I’m at the last page.

I don’t use this daily, but usually a few times a week. It is something that ebbs and flows. There will be times when I do use it daily, and then sometimes it’s more like once a week and I recap it all at once. It’s low pressure, and something that I know is always there.

tarot journal

I cannot imagine reading tarot and not journalling about it. Obviously, this is for personal readings, I don’t journal about a reading I do for someone else, but when I pull cards for myself I have to write it down.

I feel like it’s the only way to make it stick. I almost feel like it doesn’t count unless I write it down, which I know is not true, but writing is how I make sense of the cards.

I’m also the type of person who adds something I have already done to my todo list, not just because I like to tick thing off (that’s part of it though) but because I like a record.

I like to know what cards I pulled. What spreads I use. What it meant on that specific day, in that specific moment in my life.

So it all goes in here.

5 year diary

This is something I’ve started this year.

Like I just said, I like a record. The idea of being able to compare days over years, is very appealing. To see where the changes happen, and how I move forward.

I’m only less then a month into it, so right now it’s early days and I think it won’t really come into itself until next year, but I’m glad I’m committing to it.

It’ll be great to get to January 2027 and know exactly which days I rewatched Heated Rivalry on.

stuff journal

Ok, look. When you are constantly tempted by beautiful planners every single day, it is impossible to stay strong in the face of all them. And this is something I bought because I wanted it, not because I had a use for it.

I’m allowed to do this, because the number of times I don’t buy the pretty journal are so numerous that on balance a few slip-ups won’t wreck the average that much.

I wanted the Cloth & Paper clear pocket travelers notebook, and I bought it.

Right now it’s housing things that don’t have another home.

My morning pages, which I’ve tried before and it didn’t work, but using a smaller notebook may make a difference, so I am trying again.

And my reading notes.

And, yeah, those things really don’t belong together.

Less than a month in, and I already know I’ll be changing this up.

The morning pages notebook, can be pulled out to stand alone.

I’ve also stumbled on a note taking system I like better for another project, and since this year I have become obsessed with note-taking, I want all my notes to match, so I’ll be switching this up, and it will live in the aforementioned dedicated note binder. Which as a reminder, is reference item, not a planner and doesn’t belong on this list.

So the poor “stuff journal” didn’t last long at all did it?

Oh well, I still love that little notebook cover and since this is a working system that shifts as I need, I am sure it’ll will get another chance at service.

I thought writing this would make me look, so cool and organized, but I fear it’s just made look like the late diagnosed woman with ADHD that I am.

It’s less bad bitch woman who works in journalism and carries an amazing work bag in a rom-com, and more like the best friend, or even the hippy mom who’s there for levity.

Oh well, I said I would start being more personal with these newsletters, so I guess I can tick off the todo list.

See ya later (w)(b)itches 💋

We are more than two weeks into 2026, and I think this first New Moon of the year is the perfect chance to do a little check in.

New Years can often seem like the absolute worst time for a fresh start. We are coming out of the holidays, an undeniable stressful period for most of us. In the northern hemisphere it is cold and it is dark; the urge to hibernate is real and natural. We are mammals after all. The pressure to make changes and commit at a time when our bodies are naturally seeking rest and recovery is as strong as it is counterintuitive.

But the year starts in the dead of winter and there’s nothing we can do about it.

So I’m taking a reflective look with these tarotscopes. How did we start the year, and where do we go from here. How can we let go of some of the pressure; feel good about what we’re doing while still managing to listen to the urge to nest.

Aries - 8 of Wands

Ok, you started off the year busy. In fact, it probably wasn’t a start at all. You were busy, and you kept right on being busy.

The urge is to get it all done as fast as you can. That idea of completion dangling in front of you like a carrot. You’ll be able to relax a bit when it’s all done, so that’s your priority.

You don’t need a change of work load, and frankly that is probably not a viable option for you at the moment. You need a change of pace.

Try to accept that yes, you do have to do all these things; and that no, they will be done today, or tomorrow, or this week.

Not what you wanted to hear, but doesn’t finally acknowledging that help with the slowing down?

Put the idea of getting through it all quickly out of your mind. Put the idea of rest when it’s over out of your mind.

Shift to working at a reasonable pace. Somethings will get done today. Others won’t.

No matter how hard you try, it won’t all get done today, so with that in mind ease off the gas a little.

It won’t get done, and now you work that into your plans. You can find natural stopping points, instead of crashing to a halt when exhaustion hits.

Take the breaks on your terms. It’ll take longer to get through the to-do list, but you’ll get the rest you need while you do it.

Taurus - The Chariot

You bit off more than you can chew.

You’re the person who has a whole list of resolutions. They are big changes that have nothing to do with how you were already living your life.

And you have been muscling through.

You put on your cutest workout set and hit the gym as soon as it reopened. You got the perfect and aesthetic planner, you posted a perfectly edited picture of it and wrote all those lofty resolutions in it. You’re on low-spend, and cancelled your subscriptions, cause you’re going analog baby.

Right now you totally look the part. You look exactly like the type of person you made your vision board for. And normally I am all the about the fake it till make approach.

But changing your life overnight is impossible, and rearranging your furniture isn’t the shift you think it is (believe me, I’ve tried)

Slow down on your goals, don’t you kind of just miss being you. Wasn’t it easier to go to the gym in something you’re comfortable in.

Before your over-commitment sends you crashing, take a step back.

Look at the life you are actually living, not the one you want to be and go from there.

The changes should be organic. It doesn’t have to be all at once, and it should fit in to what you already had.

I’m not saying you need a totally different set of resolutions, or to drop them entirely. Just reassess.

The curtain is gonna have to drop on the show you’re currently putting on, and having some goals more in line with who you are will make the transition less bleak.

Gemini - 2 of Pentacles

You’re feeling the pressure because your year has started slow.

You already feel behind, and things seem to be ticking right along in an infuriating way.

No big shifts.

Big goals, but slow progress that feels like no progress.

Life is pretty much the same as it ever was.

You need to learn a little patience. But also learn how to track the slower progress. Learn to watch the smaller movements as well at the momentous ones.

Don’t get caught up in the New Year’s rush. If things are moving along the same, that is probably a good thing.

The urge to make some changes because that’s what people are telling you to do is tempting. I get it.

Everyone else has done something extreme, and it’s making you feel stuck. But it’s like when two trains are next to each other and suddenly it feels like yours has stopped moving.

You’re definitely still moving, you’re just momentarily distracted by someone else’s movement.

Keep it going. Keep it flowing. Keep your eyes on what you’re doing not, not what everyone else is doing.

If it makes you feel any better, these kinds of things balance out, so I’m sure your crazy period is still coming and I don’t want to hear you complaining when it hits!

Cancer - 7 of Cups

It’s alright if the start of the year gives you a little decision paralysis.

Like a kid in the toy store who’s been told he can have anything he wants, but only one thing.

How can you possibly pick what this year is going to be when you haven’t even been able to pick out a planner yet?

Like I said, these big new years decisions coming in the dead of winter is the worst possible timing.

You can sit with the choices for a while. You can keep rolling and see if any come up naturally. You can experiment with a few options before you commit.

There will always be another chance to start fresh. Technically you can do it whenever you want, but some good options are, the start of Aries season which is the start of the Zodiac and spring, your birthday, any of the equinoxes or solstices, a Monday, the first day of any month, August/September if back to school feels more natural (you can even get an academic planner that starts around then if you need that!), after an everything shower, tomorrow, or the next day.

What I’m saying is don’t make a choice if it doens’t feel natural.

Set your cycles to what feels right for you, and if you need to dwell on a few things a little longer, if you need space to dream a while - that’s actually what winter should be all about.

Leo - 9 of Swords

The weight of everything you didn’t finish in 2025 has been keeping you up at night.

Some things can be left behind. Not every project needs to be finished.

I highly recommend that you take a look at everything you have half started. Every pile you keep moving from spot to spot, because you’ll get to go it someday. Even the so-called relaxing hobbies you tried to pick up. And make a few cuts.

When I say make a few cuts - and I’m gonna hold your hand while I say this - I mean throw things away.

Not put them in a pile to throw away later. I mean gather up the things you are not using, you don’t need, that you keep moving but not actually looking at, and remove them from your abode.

No! Not just out to your car to take to a charity shop …later.

The trash. Put them in the trash.

This is your sanity we are talking about. Not just your peace of mind, but your actual peace.

New Years should be a chance to close one book so we can open the new one. You are holding on to a bunch old books with outdated information.

You need to actually leave things behind. To say “ok, I didn’t finish this thing. And now I don’t have to even think about it.”

Mental weights are harder to deal, so start with physical. Start with things you can actually clear away from the space you need to inhabit. The mental parts will fall along behind.

But focus on progress you can see and touch, you’ll start to feel the effect of it’s absence immediately.

Virgo - 4 of Pentacles

Last year, you spread yourself out. You gave little bits of yourself away. You did work for free. You invited other people to spaces that were meant to be yours and yours alone. You did things you didn’t want to do to make things easier on everyone else.

It is alright to hold on to the things that are just yours. It is alright to place value on your work, and expect other people to honor it.

It this day and age, I realize saying this can be a loaded statement, but “greed, for lack of a better word, is good.”

I really don’t have a better word for it. I want you to be greedy.

No, I don’t want you hoard money and not care who you shove down to get it.

I want you to start putting real value on what you do, even the things that you do for fun.

Hold on to things for yourself, and if you are doing something for someone else, set a price that reflects the value. Whether monetary or something else.

It is a practical thing to do, but also a good reminder that you are more than what you can do for others. That your space is not for holding them up, but for standing beside them.

Libra - The High Priestess

You’ve been feeling pulled in a different direction.

The things that have been holding your interest no longer seem that interesting, and new things, like little lights on the horizon, are sparking your creativity.

Winter is the perfect time to start heading towards those little lights.

Start looking at what a shift in direction would mean in reality, without actually making any long term, big ticket changes.

You can’t explain this shift in interests and perspective, but it is probably the kind of thing that will make sense later.

It’s time for a little sideways movement. You aren’t going straight towards it, but you aren’t going to ignore the pull anymore either.

It’ll take some balancing. It’ll take a little trust that you haven’t lost your mind. It’ll feel like your running on parallel tracks for a while.

You are working with very small movements. An unlikely yes here, a surprising no there, a article of clothing that doesn’t really go with anything you have, but you LOVE anyway, a book in a brand new subject.

All alone they are meaningless, but it’s important you just go with it, rather than tossing the ideas, the prospects, aside simply because they don’t fit your ordinary.

When the shift happens and it all comes together, you’ll find you’ve actually been practicing for all along.

Scorpio - King Of Cups

If you make any resolutions for the year ahead, it should be to stop before you do anything. You’ve been feeling out of control, but it’s not about what you’re doing, it’s how.

I don’t mean book yourself on all inclusive holiday and forget responsibilities for awhile. I’m talking about leaving a gap between finding something out, and what you do next. Leaving space between the idea and execution. You’ve been working with speed instead of control, and just because things haven’t spun out of line, doesn’t mean they wont.

So make it habit everywhere.

Actively look for the spaces between beats.

You know you need to go the store. Ok. Wait a sec. Make a list. Do you already have a bottle of hoisin sauce? Take the time to find out.

Your friend invites somewhere. Ok. But like, do you even wanna go? Is there something you would actually rather be doing instead?

Someone asks you to do something else, on top of your normal responsibilities. Ok. Can you do it in a way you would be proud of. Is is something even makes sense for you to do?

I’m not saying that you are going to need to stop and make a pros and cons for every move you make, forever.

But making more controlled choices will make you feel better.

You don’t even need to stop doing the things you’re doing. Just look for the spaces. Take a breath between steps and stages and giving the answer and doing the thing.

You’ll get as much, you’ll just feel more in control of how you’re doing it.

Sagittarius - 7 of Wands

Starting the year with a lot of fight is a good thing, and you came out swinging.

So determined to make it to the top, you didn’t check if you were on the right path.

You’re ready for some real changes, you jumped in with both feet, and you’ve got the good old fashioned grit to make it happen. But make sure you aren’t turning everything into a fight. And make sure you’re working at a sustainable pace.

It is so easy when you are fight mode to make things harder then they need to be. The term “standing your ground” is such a battle field analogy. And sometimes we need it. Sometimes we need to lay down boundaries and patrol to ensure they hold. Sometimes we need to keep pushing back at people who would push us off our path.

But sometimes we could achieve the same goals, by simply doing the things, instead of “standing your ground.”

You’ve probably got a lot of both ahead, so you are gonna need to figure out where to patrol, and where to simply carry on.

Save the fight for when it’s needed, because it absolutely will be needed. In fact pick your fight song now, something that is gonna hype you up when need that extra push. May I recommend, “I Won’t Back Down” by Tom Petty?

You know that thing where you love a song, but you play it so often you never want to hear it again. Don’t do that with what ever song you pick. You do not need to start every action with your fight song. You need to save it for when it counts.

Capricorn - Ace of Cups

Big shifts, like New Years, can be emotional times. Especially when the pressure is on and everyone acts like a “new me” every year is totally normal. side note: it is not! So it’s completely understandable if you’ve started 2026 way on the “over” side of the whelmed scale.

There’s a little bit of everything all at once happening for you. The expectations of announcing some big new updated version of yourself (now with less bugs!), is swirling with the feeling that you were doing pretty good, and kinda don’t wanna mess up a good thing. It’s such a swirling mire, that it’s got you thinking feeling good about where you are means that, not only are you behind and messing things up, but you didn’t even know you were so messed up and behind.

And that makes you angry because you know it’s stupid thought.

And it also makes you want to cry, because even though it’s stupid, what if it’s true?

And together it’s transformed what should have been a good start to the year, into frustrating one.

As I have said before, all this happening in the cold and the dark doens’t make it easier to process.

Really, right now, you’re better off just rolling with it. Angry one day, sad the next, productive after that. If you like what you were doing, keep doing it.

Take some time to regulate a little. (Probs by watching Heated Rivalry.) And see what you really want after the pressure of New Year, New Me drops away, and you can get back to just being the version you liked all along.

Aquarius - 3 of Cups

Last year you fell out of touch with some people.

It happens, life gets busy, things happen. People drift away, both in physical distance and in the mental/emotional distance.

The thing is, some people remind us of who we are, the time spent with them is reflective of everything good we like about ourselves. Of the life we want to surround ourselves with, and losing touch with those people creates a whole different kind of loneliness.

The best friends feel aspirational, not in an I’ll-never-get-there way, in the opposite way. A wow-this-is-the-life-middle-school-me-dreamed-about way.

They make things better, and they push you to be more simply because time with them makes you feel like you already are more.

Prioritize reconnecting with those people this year. Pick up where you left off. Spend time doing nothing with them. Or do what you always used to do together, what ever it was.

You’ll realize that a lot of things you’ve been down about, incomplete about, stressed about, not-enough about, not-the-life-I-want about, will fade away.

Their mere presence will lighten your load, will make whatever you want to achieve seem closer.

So pick up the phone.

Pisces - Page of Wands

I’ve talked a lot about stepping away from resolutions. Of seeing how much you can do with what you’ve already been working with.

But let’s be real, this dude is a very resolution-y card.

You are feeling the urge.

To change. To get out. To make something. To learn something.

And this year, instead of trying to rationalize it. Instead of trying to think, it’s ok if I want to do this new thing because it will serve this old thing I’m already doing. Decide that you are just going to do it.

When you are trying to fit a new thing into something else, or you want the new thing to support a thing you already do, it creates an expectation that you have to do the new thing at the same level you’re doing the old thing.

That’s silly.

So this year, let the new things you want to try, or learn, or do, be their own thing.

Fumble along with it. Know at the start that it is going to take time, that you are beginner. That there there are things you are going to have puzzle through.

You won’t get through that restlessness for more by trying to keep everything connected. Let the new things stand on their own learn if they can be satisfying just like that.

Whelp, there’s your tarotscopes. Mainly I hope y’all can take a little time this New Moon, to have a real little rest after the craziness of the season that just passed. If you’ve been holding off on starting new shit, think about how I’ll look if you start the process of putting it into play. But not until after, you’ve given yourself a little break. You earned it.

See ya later (w)(b)itches 💋

If you’ll give me just a moment of your time, so I can add my squeal to the worldwide outpouring of squealing about Heated Rivalry.

Please forgive me if my thoughts are a little all over the place, but that’s what talking about Shane and Ilya does to me. I just feel like I cannot possibly go into 2026 as a person who writes about pop culture, and romance novels, and cute boys and not talk about it.

When this newsletter launched I wrote almost exclusively about romance novels, and if you’ve been around since then you know that I am no stranger to squealing about Shane and Ilya.

Heated Rivalry and it’s follow up The Long Game, by Rachel Reid, have been some of my favorite books since the moment I read them.

I love them so much that when the series was first announced my first thought was “no, no, no, absolutely not, will not be watching, nope.” I put the entire thing out of my mind and acted as though if I didn’t acknowledge it, it didn’t exist. I know we have all been burned by at least one adaptation in our lives, and I’m at the point where I’d rather keep what I love and let other people have the rest.

Of course, not acknowledging it became harder once it came out. People seemed to really like it. And not just Booksta people, regular people too!

And then there were the clips. Both from the show and of Hudson Williams and Connor Storrie, the actors who play the two leads.

The more I saw, the more I felt that the show had been created by people who were invested in doing right by the source material I loved. Everyday I felt my determination not to watch shrink away, and I knew I was going to fold.

So on the one day between Christmas and New Years my boyfriend was at work, I committed. I got a little viewing station set up, I got my snacks and I watched it straight through.

And it was good. It was better than good. They did it right. They cared.

This is a Lord Of The Rings style adaptation. Made by people who value the original work. The sense is that they wanted to create something that can sit beside Rachel Reid’s books as part of a whole, not a separate work inspired by them.

It also makes me realize just how little romance we actually have on our screens.

serious side note

I feel like as a straight woman who consumes a lot of MM romance I can’t talk about Heated Rivalry without touching on this.

I am straight, so I cannot speak about this show is viewed by queer people. I know it has fans as well as critics across the spectrum of sexuality. And I am well aware that there is a lot to unpack within the world of MM romance novels, most of them written and consumed primarily by women.

It’s not something I have the space or frankly the knowledge to go into with any real depth here. I will say that personally, my turn towards MM romance has to do with a failure of women characters in romance novels. Most are unlikeable, almost none share traits that I respect and admire in the women I surround myself with in my real life. Female romance novel characters are by large lagging far, far behind real women in terms of depth of feeling, intelligence, cognitive thinking and modern opinions. I got sick of reading about them.

The men in MM romance are allowed to be much fuller characters, not pigeon holed into outdated tropes. They do more. They feel more. They have a wider emotional range. They can be tough and they can cry. To many female characters have their intelligence and emotions stunted in the name of creating an “independent women.”

MM romance more reliably delivers the kind of whole-picture storytelling and characterization I expect from my fiction.

serious side note over

Really, I just wanna talk about romance.

In terms of romance novels, one of the primary definitions is that a romance must have a happy ending. If it doesn’t, it is a book with romance, not a romance book.

There is a quote from an episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Buffy is going through a hard time, doubting her role as slayer and looking for reassurance. She asks Giles if it ever gets easier, and then she asks him to lie to her. So this is what he says,

yes, it’s terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after.

I am not going to lie to you. This is what I’m looking for in my entertainment. Real life is hard, and getting bleaker. When I turn off the screens and settle into some time just for me, I do not want to further that stress. I want the happy endings. I want the good guys to succeed because they are good.

I don’t mind if there is drama and/or strife in the plot, but I want to know that we will get through it and that everything will be alright in the end.

Romance is the most reliable source for this kind of entertainment, and right now it exists almost purely on the page.

I am not saying that tv and movies don’t have romance, but it is almost always romance and…

The focus is rarely ever simply the romance.

Television loves a will-they-won’t-they, teasing out romance alongside the rest of the plot as long as much as they can. The romance can be part of the drama, creating friction that must be smoothed, or highlighting other problems that become the main plot. People fall in love as they save the world. We have teen romances, which are almost packed inside of the teen dramas. We have a love triangle, which is more about choices than romance. There are lots of stories about the difficulties of relationships, rather than the joy.

The closest we have is rom-com, but even then it usually feels like the genre is more important than the romance: certain beats have to be hit, expectations have to be met, and falling in love is secondary to “making a rom-com”.

Heated Rivalry has become as huge as it is because people are craving the fucking lie.

There is the knowledge right from the start that this show will be about these two characters getting together. We know they will fall in love, and we are fairly certain they’ll get a happy ending. The show is just getting to see it play out.

Of course there are other things that happen, there is drama, and character growth that happens beyond the romance element. But all of that serves to bring these characters closer, to give them what they need for that happy ending.

Is it true to life? Probably not.

Is it a balm on the fucking soul? Absolutely.

As a romance reader, I know all about the high of seeing characters you like simply get to be happy. Of knowing things will work out and just being able to enjoy the story.

Like yes, come into the sea of romance, the water is great!

When the show was announced, I knew I didn’t plan on watching, but I never pictured it would be as popular as it is, and for all the right reasons too.

When I say it’s good you can believe me, because I was so ready to hate it, I was ready to clutch my books like pearls and say they were better. But I didn’t have to.

Williams and Storrie have the kind of chemistry that Hollywood execs dream of. They also make me think that beyond yearning for romance, the people are yearning for real faces, and real, veneer-less teeth, and young actors confident enough in themselves to come across as authentic rather than practiced. Because they both deliver all of that.

Most importantly the romance is kept intact. There are lingering glances, and kisses so soft you might die, there is jealousy, and there is also absolute trust that this other person will catch you if you let them.

And yes there is sex. It is hot, and it is beautifully lit, and intimate in a way we do not usually see on screens.

Another important part of the romance genre is that yes, it is spicy. It is full of sex. In the books, Shane and Ilya bang in chapter one. But most of the time the sex is actually doing work. Outside of pure erotica, the spicy scenes should be places where we see these characters grow, where we learn more about them.

Heated Rivalry, the show, stays true to this. If you were to skip all the sex scenes you would get to the happy ending with Shane and Ilya smiling while they drive into their future together, and not know how they got there.

That is romance. It makes you squeal and kick your feet. It lets you escape long enough to believe the lie. And sometimes that is exactly what you need.

And it’s a fucking rad genre, so I am thrilled to see Heated Rivalry break into the mainstream.

No excuse me, but I have to stop typing so that I can watch a pretty boy break down crying while he tells another pretty boy he loves him for the 9th time this week.

See ya later, lovers! 💋

Well, shit 2025 managed to be both like a never ending rubber fire, but also impossibly fast.

It’s over now which is the second best thing I can say about it. The first being Heated Rivalry. I know you know.

One thing I’ve learned about myself is that I am not a resolution person. I like the idea, but realistically I am not going resolution myself out of ADHD and anxiety. I love the idea of thinking I can change, but setting overwhelming resolutions and exceptions just makes me feel worse when I inevitably take a day on the sofa eating junk food and dissociating while watching hockey boys kiss.

Resolutions feel like I am setting myself up for failure.

But I do like the idea of a fresh start, that we can put things behind us and allow ourselves to have something like a blank slate. That we give ourselves some grace to change our outlook without feeling guilty about time that is already gone.

So with that, here are 26 thoughts I am taking into twenty-twenty-six with me. Some are things I am trying to work towards, some are things that I will be continuing, and some are just things I want to spend more time with. A lot of them are connected to each other, some obviously, some less obviously, but there is a through line that makes sense to me.

1 Therapy.

This is the year guys.

Am I sure that some insight from a professional therapist is something I would benefit from? Absofuckinglutely.

Has my crushing executive dysfunction stopped from actually being able to, you know, find a therapist? Definitely!

Is this something that I should probably talk to a therapist about? You betcha!

It’s a cycle that is probably all too familiar to so many of us. And if breaking it is the only real achievement I have this year, I’ll count it successful.

2 Consistency

I tend to be an all or nothing person. If I’m not getting out on 4 runs a week, what is the point of running at all? If I can’t commit to sitting down and doing something everyday, why should I do it today?

So I am trying to look at the bigger picture. With an aim to doing things I feel like I can do consistently rather than everyday.

I’m gonna count the things I do, not how much I do them.

3 Heated Rivalry

I’m not even gonna pretend like I’m not entering this new year with this series not filling every available space in my head.

It’s taken over.

I went from dreading this adaptation and swearing up and down that I would never watch it, to being more Evangelical about Shane and Ilya than ever.

And I do not ever want this problem to ever go away.

4 Analog Thinking

This is something a lot of us are thinking about. Ditching our phones and going analog. It is a lot harder in practice than it sounds, and I am definitely not ready or willing to go all in on this.

But the idea of analog will be influencing a lot of what I do. I already use paper planners and journals, I have a library of real books. I’m slowly rebuilding my physical media collection.

And I’m spreading my technology around. This is why I call it analog thinking. Different zones for different things. Some things will only be on the computer. Some things will only be on an iPad. I’m going to be more intentional about what things are used for and splitting things up.

Even though I am still very digitally reliant, not having my phone be one stop shopping for every single thing I do lets be more intentional about use, and that feels like a step in the right direction.

5 Film.

As part of my analog thinking, I started getting into film photography last year, and this year I absolutely want to take it further. I want to figure out how to really get the most out of my camera. I want to hold grainy, nostalgic looking prints in my hands. I want the scarcity of 36 exposures, so let’s make it count.

6 Dressing with Intention.

As a writer who works mostly from home, I call fall into the trap of not getting properly dressed all too easily. I know. I know. Everyone says that if you’re working from home you need to get dressed. It’s a lovely idea, but it feels a bit ambitious.

I also have a very strict rule about not wearing denim in my own home. Why the fuck would I? So if I have jeans on to go out into the world, they come off as soon as I get home. Put my bag down, take off my jeans.

And not even god or Ilya Rozanov themselves could get me to break this rule.

But I can be more intentional. I can plan a cute outfit around baggy sweats. I can put some make-up on with my over sized jumper. I can delineate the working part my of day from the resting part of my day in a real way that doesn’t infringe on my need to be unconstricted in my own home.

7 Broader Reading Topics

I love my romance. I love my slutty little books, filled with their slutty little characters and their slutty little happy endings. I will not apologize for this, or ever stop reading them.

But I will be adding more variety. I used to read a little bit of everything and it’s a habit I want to get back into. I actually love non fiction. I love niche topics and books with pages and pages of notes and sources.

My goal is a chapter of non fiction a day, that I treat seriously and take notes on and really try to engage with. My other goal is to browse the books outside the romance section and read at least one a month.

7.1 Pagebound

Yes, I’m sneaking in an extra little addendum thought. 26.1 thoughts in total, I’m totally starting the year as an over achiever.

I have been using Pagebound as my only reading tracker since the start of year. My others started to feel bloated, I would put books on and never think of them again. I needed a fresh start and this app is giving it to me. Both tracker, and forum it brings a low key social aspect to reading tracking that makes it feel less like a forgotten list. But it doens’t track likes or followers or have an algorithm, it’s just books and what people say about them.

It is also staunchly anti ai, and has a cute colorful interface, because fuck minimalism.

8. Functional Maximalism

Ok, this is a very ephemeral thought. It would make more sense if it were in fact, “fuck minimalism” because that’s the mode I’m in.

I am so sick of it.

I do not want an empty life. I do not want beige. I do not want a capsule wardrobe. I do not want tasteful.

But the real point here is that I don’t just want to run towards maximalism with open arms.

I want an intentionally full life. An intentionally full home. I want to allow all the things I love to take up space in a real way. I don’t just want stuff for stuff’s sake.

I want all the stuff that means something to me to be seen.

I want you to be able to look at my clothes, at my things, at my home, at my life and know who I am.

I do not want to be another beige person in disguise.

9. Everyday Carry

I don’t mean this in a weird survivalist, this is the best multi tool for the apocalypse way. I also don’t mean this in a tech bro, this is the best pouch for all your charging cables way. Why are they carrying around so many charging cables they need a dedicated pouch for them? And I say that as someone who loves pouches.

In fact pouches are an essential part of what I do mean.

I want to really figure out what I need when I leave the house. I want to have bags that will fit it all. And when I come home I want to know where it all is.

Maybe what I should just say, is that I don’t want to have to dig through every single bag I own to find that one lipstick anymore.

10. Messy Girls

A lot has been said recently about Messy Girls, about “frazzled English women.” It’s the Messy Girls who still speak to me though, with their smudgy eyeliner, and torn fishnets.

And look, as someone who lived through the early 2000’s when the Messy Girl was in her prime, I am well aware there are plenty of negatives to this vibe.

But I am also circling back around to the don’t give a fuck vibes these Messy Girls brought.

I want to be a Messy Girl in non-performative way. I’m not trying to look a certain way, I’m trying to live my life and I am no longer bothered by perfection.

I’m bringing back feral.

Also, their giant bags will be so helpful with my everyday carry goals.

11. Finding Sources

I mean this two ways.

We live in a world where it seems like anyone can put some random words together and present them as a scientific fact. People are actively being pushed away from knowledge, from learning how to educate themselves. Right now, it is more important than ever that we seek out sources. What authority do these people have in this subject? Where did they get their information from? How is it backed up.

On a more personal level, I want to expand my personal sources. I want to create a catalog of interesting things to draw from in my writing. If I link two things in my mind, I want to be able to follow the path between them. And then I want to be able to point everybody else to where I got my information.

12. Obsidian

Continuing on from finding sources, I need a way to actually find them and store them. I make a lot of connections as I read. A line in a book will trigger a memory about a movie, which will make me think of something I read in an essay once. I take notes, and I love my notebooks, but I never found a reliable way to double back. To find the thing from ages ago that the thing right now is making me think of.

So after quite a bit of research and many YouTube tutorials, I landed on Obsidian. I have spent a not insignificant amount of time setting it up so that I can link all my notes from romance novels to books on witchcraft to academic writing on horror movies to dance movies from 20 years ago in a way that makes sense to me.

It’s a work in progress, but it’s one I think is actually going work.

13. Voice Messages

I’m sorry. I am aware that voice messages are a love it or hate type of deal, but I have been converted. I love sending them, and I love getting them. So you can expect more of them this year.

14. Pop Culture

My whole life I wanted to write about pop culture. And the past few years, I just kind of stopped doing it. I wanna bring it back.

I also stopped consuming as much of it, so I’m trying to get back into watching movies so bad they’re good, and watching shows about teenagers played by 30 year olds, and I don’t know, maybe finally catching on the Star Wars Universe.

15. Checkerboard.

It is not over. I will be investing in more checkerboard, not less. This is a pattern that picks you, not the other way around.

16. Everyday Jewelry

Mainly this is a reminder to put it on. That my favorite necklace looks great with sweatshirt. I have never been a person with a habit of wearing jewelry. I tend to reach for it when I’m going out, or when I have specifically planned an outfit with it in mind. But I have a lot of pieces I love, so it’s a habit I want to get into.

17. Finding Near Dark On DVD/BluRay

Ok I have mentioned analog thinking and physical media a lot already. It’s gonna be a huge thing for a lot of people this year, I think. One of the main reasons for that is the corporations that own streaming services are dictating what we can watch.

Things come and go, you can’t watch what you want when you want.

Near Dark is a 1987 vampire movie directed by Kathryn Bigelow, and it is amazing. It is not on any of the major streaming services and is out of print on both DVD and BluRay.

It has become something a white whale for me. I look for it anytime I come across a shop that used DVD’s/BluRay. At this point I’d probably buy a used VCR if I found a copy on VHS.

It is also one of the main things that kick started my shift back to analog. Look it takes a lot to get me motivated, and I will accept, perhaps more than should from the modern world before I take up arms. But you try to tell me I can’t watch a white-trash-western-vampire, that’s my last straw.

18. Supernatural

Speaking of white trash vampires…

Obviously, I am always thinking about Supernatural. But this year, I’m gonna think about it harder!

Why?

Because I can.

Because I have always half seriously, half jokingly said one of my dreams in life was to recap it episode by episode looking at its place in the gothic/horror canon with an academic while still being funny vibe. Only I was never really joking.

So that’s something you can look forward too!

19. Ballet Style

If you don’t know what “Ballet Style” is, it’s very hard to explain. It is a sort of random of assortment of ratty layers, open weave mohair sweaters pulled over your hands, a single leg warmer, a giant pair of sweat pants hiked up to your knees, sure, what the hell?, a scarf too, all paired with those puffy down slippers.

And you might not believe me, but when it’s done right, it looks fucking rad AF.

It’s freezing in Copenhagen, I’m layering anyway, the trends are coming back around to wide legs and slouchy layers, and the 12 year girl in me who still knows the choreography from Center Stage thinks it’s time for a resurgence of Ballet Style.

20. Road Trips

I went on a solo road trip last year and it was one of the best things I have ever done.

This year, I may aim for 2!

21.Pickled Pumpkins

Look, I had pickled pumpkins as part of my NYE meal. They were sliced paper thin, with the skin still on, and they were my favorite part of the whole evening.

I’m still thinking about them.

I want to eat more.

I keep thinking I should try to make my own, but the mandoline is my least favorite cooking tool.

22. Nude Lipstick

As a very pale, yet cool toned person, nude lipstick is hard. I’ve never found one I’ve been 100% happy with. But I love seeing the sort of goth nude looks that have been going around, a little more grey than the usual nudes, and I am determined to make it work for me this year.

23. 26 Is A Lot Of Thoughts, David

Seriously, what was I thinking. It feels like it’s been 84 years since I started writing this.

24. Cafe Work

This is one of those very simple things that I really enjoy, but don’t do enough.

So I am going to think about doing it more.

25. 300 Days

I saw someone on instagram say that they set a goal to do 300 workouts in year, and that shift in thinking makes so much sense to me. If you do the math, that averages out to over 5 workouts a week. Which is probably what we should be aiming for, but the second I hear 5 workouts a week, my brain goes; impossible.

Thinking about it terms of 300 workouts a year, makes it seem achievable. It makes me feel less guilty about missed days, while giving me a firm goal to work towards.

I’m not just leaving it to workouts either. 300 days of intentional dressing. 300 days of nonfiction. 300 days of taking pictures.

I’ve never looked at it from this perspective before, and I think it’s something that is really going to help me get shit done.

26. Guys I Am Out Of Thoughts. No More Thoughts. Look At This Heated Rivalry EditInstead. You Are Welcome.

I really thought I had 26 thoughts in me, but here we are. I’m tapping out. Come back next week for your first Tarotscopes of the year!

Technically, this month, we’re getting Oraclescopes. I can never resist reaching for the Embroidered Graveyard deck, by Alicia Vamvoukakis this time of year. It feels especially perfect for this New Moon In Libra. This deck is very much about opening yourself to being vulnerable in the face of difficult things, and how you interact with those around you, including the relationships we have with ancestors, spirts and other unseen guides.

This New Moon is very much about examining our relationships, having the guts to acknowledge when things get hard, and then hopefully coming out the other side feeling more secure and ready for what it is next.

These Oraclescopes will hopefully give you a little bit of guidance for how to make the best of shifting relationships and some understanding to help you prepare for everything that comes next.

Aries - Familiar

You know you need to start shifting into your next phase. You’re feeling unsettled and restless, ready to shed your skin and grow into something new. But you aren’t quite sure how to do it.

It feels like you’re going around in circles, revisiting the same ideas and plans that will never feel right no matter how many times you look at them.

Start looking outward.

Pay attention to the details around you. Look for repeating patterns. Try to notice some things that you may have overlooked by being so in your head.

Admit you don’t know what’s next and that inspiration isn’t going to come for you until you start looking in new places.

It is unlikely that your familiar is going to come for you in the shape of talking owl dispensing wisdom (if it does, please let me know tho) but it may just come for in the shape of recurring themes that you’ve been overlooking.

Take some time off from trying to force the next steps of your journey.

I hate to be that person who’s all like “ooh whatever you’re looking for will come when you stop looking.” It’s shit advice, we all know that.

However, you aren’t finding anything doing what you’re doing, so what have you got to lose.

Keep an open mind. Look for words or colors or intrusive thoughts that won’t leave you alone. Look in places you haven’t. Talk to people in completely different fields.

Find the connections and you’ll figure out your next steps.

Taurus - Overcome

Too often we only judge what’s ahead of us, instead of considering how far we’ve already come.

No matter how much it feels like you are at the start of something bigger than you can manage, you are actually in the middle.

This New Moon is the perfect time to slow down and take little break. But instead of trying to push your mission out of your mind, look backwards.

Stop thinking of everything you have to do. Another todo list is not going to lighten your load.

Take this time to think about everything you have already done. If you must make a list, make one of things that have helped get you where you are.

Mentally reposition yourself in the middle of things. Yes, you have a lot ahead of you. And it will all be there after you let yourself have a little breather. But let yourself look behind. You are so much further in the process than your to-do list makes you feel.

Let all your past achievements hype yourself for the rest of what you need to do.

Yes the rest . Doesn’t that imply something great? It’s not everything you need to do, it’s the rest of what you need to do.

This New Moon let yourself bask in the space between everything and the rest , reminding yourself just how far apart those things are.

Gemini - Nourish

Having enough is great. Getting what you wanted is great. Congratualtions.

Now let’s reevaluate.

It can be a weird feeling to want more after you got where you wanted to be. Like you did something wrong. Like you somehow messed up by doing everything right and still wanting more.

Trying to force happiness just because you completed all the steps is going to leave you feeling drained and unfulfilled.

So make this New Moon all about some new plans.

Think bigger.

You planned for just enough. You played it safe and now you’re surviving not thriving.

It’s alright to admit that you need the thrill of something new to keep you feeling fulfilled. It’s alright to prefer the active, doing stages of life than the in-between, still phases.

You are at best when you are reaching for more, and that’s not a bad thing. You are not being greedy, this isn’t about more money or a bigger house. This is about true nourishment. Finding something that will feed your soul instead of keeping it in one place.

Even though things are good and there’s nothing “wrong” with where you are, give yourself permission to start planning for more. What comes next? Do you build on what you’ve got? Do you pivot? Do you aim for something completely different?

Really take some time to think through all the options. What does each one look like. If we take practicality out of it, what excites you most?

You can play it safe again later, right now pick something that feels impossible.

Cancer - Sister

You need a New Moon retreat my friend.

A proper dark moon reset full of rest and cosiness.

You’ve been busy. You’ve been toughing it out. And before toughing it out becomes burnout, take a break.

It’s easy for you to care for everyone else, but you don’t offer yourself the same treatment.

This New Moon don’t look ahead, don’t set intentions beyond rest. And maybe being a little more honest with yourself about the amount you can realistically take on. Because I will tell you right now, the answer is not everything.

But first, get cosy. I like to make a little nest with my favorite pillows and everything I might possibly need in reach in the corner of the sofa, and I suggest you do something similar.

Rot day.

Duvet day.

Void day.

Call it what ever you want, but excuse yourself from responsibility for a day. Stay in your pajamas, order takeaway, watch the shows and read the books.

And if it feels like too big an ask, do it for two days.

You know it’s got bad when the “task” of relaxing feels like too big a chore to complete. You can’t keep going like this forever, so take the time now.

When you come out of your cocoon on the other side, you’ll be able to look at things with a new outlook. A rested outlook, and it will be easier to see what things to let go of.

Cause, my dude, something has got to give.

Leo - Lovers

You have been struggling with the romantic side of things lately. Struggling with a partner, or just generally feeling stuck in that area of your life. And this New Moon is going to be highlighting that in a big way.

Now is definitely not the time to be freaking out or making any big decisions or changes. Instead of throwing blame, be honest with yourself about how your actions (or inaction) may be contributing to the problems.

We all want to look outside ourselves for the source of our problems, but your job this New Moon is to look al little closer to home.

Where can you take responsibility? Are you ready and willing to offer your partner or potential partners everything you are expecting from them?

Start thinking about what you really want, and where you can start making improvements.

Also, decide if the other people in the equation are worth it. Maybe it sounds callous, but all relationships take work, and you should only make the effort when you feel sure.

And if you decide they aren’t worth it, decide what is worth it so you can redirect your energy.

Make this New Moon about deciding where you stand with your romantic entanglements and knowing just how much you are willing to struggle with to make them work.

Virgo - Summer Solstice

Alright my friend, we are entering some dark days and this card is popping up to remind you that you need to find ways to bring your own light along.

Maybe you’ve seen people talking about the “winter/October arc”, suggesting that you use these last few months to jump start your personal goals, get ahead of your resolutions and go to the gym in the dark everyday.

And look, that sounds terrible, I am not suggesting it. But there is something to be said for the planning that goes into it. It’s easy to let things slip in the last months of the year, and being able to keep your goals in mind is no bad thing.

Things that seem easy in the summer months will seem harder once it starts getting darker. Take the time while you have it to start building your defenses.

What do you need to keep from getting bogged down in the coming months?

And don’t just keep the information to yourself, tell the people around you. Make sure they know that you have plans, ask them for help if you think you are going to need it.

Having clear goals will help, even when you don’t want to go the gym in the dark. Knowing why you have those goals will help more. Are they genuinely serving your desires, or are they things that just seem “right” or “logical?”

Make sure some of what your working on and towards is yours, and not anyones else’s. And then decide right now that on the days you can’t manage even those goals, you aren’t going to be mad about it.

Libra - Father

Take a deep breath, because you aren’t going to get a moment to again for a while.

Things are about to be hectic. And this is a “the only way through is through” type of situation.

So buckle in and commit to getting it done.

The good thing is, you are more than capable. The task at hand may be requiring all your skills and knowledge. But it’s skills and knowledge you have.

You earned it, you worked for it, and now you’re getting to use it.

Use that to help you when things feel overwhelming. This thing you’re doing, it’s exactly in your wheelhouse. Hell, you built the damn wheel. You aren’t just the perfect person for the job, you are the only person for the job.

Celebrate that.

And then get to work.

The other good thing, is that this is just an intense period, and it won’t be like this forever. You may not be able to see the end at the beginning, but I promise you that it’s there. You’ve got the chance to mentally prepare, get things organized and figure out what to scrap and what to back-burner so you don’t get overwhelmed.

Your focus is going to have to be pretty narrow for the next chunk of time, so limit distractions and push through.

Scorpio - Beauty

Make sure you are letting people see the real you. How much of what you are presenting is for appearances sake?

This New Moon really take stock of the parts of you that the world sees, and figure out how much of the story they tell.

Of course, we never owe the world our whole story, there will be things you don’t show and that’s fine.

But the world does owe us the chance to be authentic. The chance to come as we are and not have to constantly meet other peoples expectations.

We all pick how we present ourselves, but it’s time for you to start thinking about where to start chipping away the facade.

What are things you picked up along away that no longer represent who you are, but habit has you falling back on.

Appearance isn’t everything, but sometimes a noticeable external change is great way to signify a new era or truth.

Are there changes you can make (hair, style, home) that will feel more authentic. Have you kept things the same because it’s easier even though you know it no longer represents you?

In the bigger scheme of things a superficial change may feel unimportant or trivial, but when you are living through it, it feels huge. And it can be a silent way of saying that people should no longer expect the same version of you that they got yesterday.

Sagittarius - Mother

It’s time to start brining your next project into the world.

You’ve been putting it off for some very sound reasons, but you are past reasons now. You need that spark of creativity to make things make sense again.

Right now is the perfect time to start. The New Moon is giving you a clean place to begin and things will start falling into place.

You are made to be creative, and you are at your best in the plotting and experimenting phases, so it’s no wonder that your current routine has got you feeling out of whack!

Not all of us need routine to thrive, and it’s time for you to get back to the things that make you feel excited.

What ideas have you been tossing around? What new “what ifs” have been floating around in your head?

Which ones can you get started on?

Better yet, start a few of them. This is going to be one of those situations where you need to see what fits and what sticks, rather than committing before you have an understanding of it. It might not all work. The thing that you wind up doing might spring out of the wrecks of a few different things.

That’s alright.

You’ll find you do your best work with the mess once you stop worrying that needing the mess makes you less capable.

Capricorn - Temptress

What things are sucking the life out of you, and how did you let it get this far?

Tempting things are not always flashy and grand, they can be slow and reasonable and before we know it we are only feeling half alive.

Start identifying the energy vampires in your life. The people, places, and things that are taking without giving anything in return.

There won’t be quick fix, but acknowledging that some of the things that are draining you, are things you could walk away from will help.

And working to figure out how you got there will help you avoid it again. What did you think you would get that lead you down this path to start with?

Can you simply start making cuts?

Or do you need to go the bigger route and assess your goals and direction?

Tempting things are often shown to us, rather than being a reflection of our own desires; so start looking at that.

Did something come along that somehow seemed better than your own original dreams? Were you distracted by the flashing lights and big promises that blinded you to your own good ideas?

It’s going to take examining your reasons, looking backwards to see what that initial thing was that pulled you off track.

You’ll probably need to spend sometime alone this New Moon, untangling yourself from nets other people cast.

Get comfortable with saying no.

Get comfortable with your own ideas again.

Aquarius - Brother

Why so serious?

You need a little fun and adventure.

Stop looking for purpose and let just because be a good enough reason.

This New Moon prioritize putting work down.

I’m not even going to tell you to go on some crazy adventure, or say yes to a random invitation. You need practice. You need to start slow.

What does your life look like if you aren’t working? Do you even know? Can you manage it?

Sit with the fact that your first instinct when asked what to do is do something practical or work related.

It wasn’t always like this, so how do you get back to someone who didn’t need a reason for everything.

Like I said, start small. Start with acknowledging that you do have enough time to have fun. The space for freedom is there, you are just filling with the wrong things.

Once you put the work down, start planning in some things that don’t feel like work. Things you used to do. Things you’ve been putting off because they didn’t have a purpose. Things you said no to in favor of doing something that was frankly, boring.

Commit a little of your dedication to empty space and freedom and see how much brighter everything around will look.

Pisces - Community

You’ve been told that you need to stand on your own two feet enough that you believe it. And worse, you believe it literally.

You’ve gone past being independent, to being alone.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

Start thinking about how you can maintain your independence while still letting other people in.

Having a community of people around isn’t just about relying on people, the right people will want to sing your praises for everything that you achieved on your own.

Yes, there are people who will want you to do it their way, and there are people who would try and use what you’ve done for themselves, but there is also a whole bunch of people who will just think what you’re doing is awesome.

If letting those people in seems like too big a step, maybe you can be that person for someone else. In shutting off support from other people, you’ve also shut off your ability to support them in return.

Find some ways to be part of something, anything, that isn’t about help, or work, or what you can do for each other, and is simply about existing together. Acknowledging other peoples good work doens’t take away your own.

Once you know it’s true going that direction, maybe you’ll know it’s true when those people want to return it too.

I know that this deep into the year it’s easy to let things go, telling yourself that you can pick things up next year, or that starting new things feels redundant as we close out the year. So I hope these Oraclescopes give you a little something to work with so you can end the year strong, however that looks for you.

Happy New Moon (W)(B)itches!

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It’s a new moon. It’s a solar eclipse.

Big changes are most likely afoot. And probably in way that feels slightly out of your control. So let’s try to settle ourselves a bit. Make some intentions that work with our lives as they are happening right now, and not go setting any major new goals until we’re feeling a little more balanced.

Aries - 9 of Jugs

I kinda feel like this card gets a bad rep as the so called “wish card,” like it somehow excuses us from doing the work. That when it comes up we expect things to go our way, and stop trying to make things happen. This card has become somewhat linked to entitlement and laziness, but I don’t think that’s always a bad thing.

This new moon, think back to the list of things you wanted to be when you grew up. Think about the characters you idolized in your youth, the ones that made you think, “I want to be just like them.”

Yes, there is an element of wishful thinking here, but those childhood dreams still deserve a place in our lives. Figure out how they link with you who are now: what elements of those early wishes have you carried this far and which ones do you want to pick up again.

Set some intentions around getting back to who little you thought you’d be, but make it work for your current life and goals.

Things are probably already going your way, so add on a few things that bring some magic to the everyday wins. Wear some sparkles. Play your music too loud. Make bad art.

I hate to say it, but you should unleash your inner manic pixie dream girl, and welcome her with open arms.

Taurus - The Star

It’s been tough going, and things are finally finally smoothing out.

And after being tossed about by things outside your control, the temptation is to jump back in full force, to lay claim to your own life again. I get it.

But now is actually time to slow down. Take a moment to appreciate the calm. I know you want to feel like you’re in control again, but before you do that take time to enjoy the fact that right now, there is nothing to control.

We are trained to keep moving, but for now the universe is giving you a pause. Take it.

You may find that the whirlwind you just came out of left you with some new perspectives, that you don’t actually want go forward in the same way you had been going.

Don’t miss the chance to unpack what you’ve experienced. Instead of just focusing on moving, take this new moon to assess what you’ve been through. Acknowledge your real feelings about it, and be honest about how going forward is going to look. What changes need to be made, and how what’s happened has changed you.

And then, even after you do that. Take a beat. Give yourself a few days to breathe. To watch some comfort shows. Move slow. So that when you do jump back into life ready to take charge, you know exactly how you’re going to do it and feel ready to lead the way.

Gemini - The Emperor

Being a yes man is not the way to get ahead. You’ve been accommodating. You’ve helped lift other people and seen what they can achieve.

It’s time to turn that energy on yourself.

And a simple “no” is going to be the best way forward.

It is easy to make todo lists. A list of goal markers you get to tick off and feel like you can see progress being made. But you’ve been making the lists and still treading water.

Intentions are almost always seen as things you want to do, things you are going to do, but this time around let’s aim for something different.

Lets make a to don’t list.

What are the things you aren’t going to do that will push you towards your goal.

Start saying no to things that are only going to help someone else. Start saying no to things that don’t match up with your plans.

It’s going to take some practice to turn that accommodating energy on yourself, since you’re used to letting it serve other people.

Traveling by road is great, there are lots of places to turn off and side roads to go down. But you need some train tracks. A direct route from where you are to where you want to be that you build yourself.

Take a deep breath, set some boundaries, don’t let other people distract, and accommodate yourself before you help anyone else.

Cancer - The High Priestess

This is one of those annoying situations when people say whatever you’re looking for will only come when you stop looking.

I know, I fucking hate it too, but here we are.

You’ve been hustling. Nothing wrong with that.

But things just aren’t clicking.

You’ve read the manuals. You’ve done the course. You’re following the path.

And you’re too caught up in the trying to look around and see if it’s working.

The new moon is the perfect time to catch your breath. To take stock of what you’ve done.

What you really need is to personalize things again. You know when your English teacher said you needed to learn the rules before you could write without them?

You are at the writing without them phase. You’ve skipped over the most exciting part.

You have taken on so much more knowledge than you realize, because you haven’t stopped long enough to figure out how you’re going to use it. Stop gathering more, and use what you’ve already got. Go back over your notes and find connections. Start putting things together in way that makes sense to you.

Things don’t feel right, because you haven’t internalized what you’ve been learning. Take some time to figure out how to put things together in way that makes sense to you. Stop asking how other people did and lean into your instincts.

You have the knowledge, see what happens when you don’t force how it’s used.

Leo - Ace of Daggers

There’s something big coming up for you, and you are going to have the opportunity to really prove yourself. A chance to see all the hard work you’ve been putting in pay off.

And this is not a more is more situation.

Right now your focus should be on the work you’ve already done. Not adding, but honing. Worry about perfecting what you have rather than trying to make it bigger.

This new moon center your intentions on improving. Stop adding, stop seeking more, and work on getting to know what you’ve already got backwards and forwards.

You will probably find that there are things you are going to cut away before you finalize it. And that’s perfect. Do it. It’s not wasted time, you have learned from what you’re cutting and that knowledge is now in everything else you’ve done, so you don’t need to make it obvious.

Make sure everything that’s included counts, trim the excess, leave the filler. When you stand up to prove yourself, every single thing needs to be as important as everything else. People are going to be looking at what you know, not how much you have.

You have enough, so now make it great.

Virgo - Ace of Jugs

You my friend, are entering a go with the flow period. Minimum effort for maximum payoff.

It’s a lucky season.

But get all the benefits, you are going to have to become a go with flow type of person.

Build your intentions around empty spaces. How can you fill an hour in way that you haven’t before? Where can you go that you haven’t been before? What are things you’ve been putting off? How can you make the most of scheduling fuck up? What can you do that you haven’t done before? How can you fill that one corner of your house that has always seemed kind of empty?

These are the things you should be putting your energy towards. Eeking out a few more inches from everything around you. Let yourself be pulled to the unplanned rather than the planned.

Finding spaces to fill will fill your life differently. Opportunities will start popping up without you even thinking about it. Spaces will open up that you hadn’t even considered before.

For the next month avoid boredom and routine wherever you can. Don’t let your days be defined by “how you’ve always done it.”

If you have to scroll, at least find new things to look at. Follow whims. Push yourself outside the boundaries you’ve put around yourself by finding ways to fill the extra space.

Libra - King of Cactus

You need a little guidance. Not in a follow the leader kind of way, but in the inspiration kind of way.

You’re feeling stuck at the moment. You know the destination, but you don’t have a good map. It’s alright to admit that you need a little help.

Be on the look out for people who may be able to point you in the right direction. It doens’t have to be a person in your life, start researching people who inspire you.

Really think about who your role models are.

Your probably drawn to them because of what they’ve achieved, but start looking at the how. How did they do it? How can you incorporate those ideas into what you’re already doing.

If you’re lucky there may even be a person in your real life that you can sit down with. Pick their brains. Ask their opinions.

It isn’t just about following along on someone else’s path, but about finding someone you trust enough to be inspired by.

Your mission right now shouldn’t just be about finding a way through, it should be about finding people who can offer different solutions. A king is only as strong as their advisors, so start prioritizing finding the good ones.

Scorpio - Knight of Jugs

Let’s get a little capital “R” Romanticism back in your life.

Or if you’d rather, we can call it whimsy, which is honestly more fun to say.

Not everything needs to be practical. When was the last time “just because” or “why not?” were your reasons for doing anything?

You don’t have to feel guilty about doing something that doesn’t serve a purpose if it makes you happy. Remind yourself that the simple fact it makes you happy is its purpose.

Stop thinking in terms of function, and pay off, and time.

This new moon try to be intentionally whimsical. Make a list of all those things you haven’t done because there was something more practical, or useful or necessary that you decided to do instead.

Pick out a few “useless” things and do them. Find a couple of silly things that don’t do anything, but that make you smile and buy them.

Bring some form without function back into your life. It’s not about what you did, but how you did it.

Decide that liking something is enough. That if something sparked your curiosity it served a purpose. That time you enjoyed is time well spent.

Practical is no longer practical if it doesn’t leave room for you to like things.

Sagittarius - Page of Chiles

You are going to need to go down a bit of a rabbit hole.

Clear as much of your calendar as you can. And probably some physical space to make a mess in as well. Cause I am here to tell you that you should just dive into that new idea.

Let the hyper fixation roll.

Experiment till you get it right.

Research. Take notes. Make models. Try it one way. Try it another way.

Chase down the tangents. See what you can do with those middle of the night deep dives in the light of day.

Sometimes our weird ideas and sudden flashes of inspiration need to stay locked away, but that is not the case here.

Now is the time to take it further. This is one of those ideas that could change everything, but you have to commit.

Acknowledge that you’re going down this path. Create the space you need to be a beginner in this process. And do all the things a beginner would do. Get over excited. Do too much. Make mistakes. Start over.

But also be willing to see it through long term. This isn’t just another flash in the pan, so make sure you open your life up to the idea that this is something you’ll be playing with for a long time.

Capricorn - Queen of Cactus

What’s it going to take to make you feel safe and comfortable?

Those are the questions you should be asking yourself as we reset at this new moon.

Listen to what your anxiety is trying to tell you. Don’t push through it, or try to tell yourself it’s all just part of life. When the feeling comes up instead of asking yourself how to keep going, start asking how you can course correct so you can move forward without the anxiety riding shotgun.

Start paying to attention to when it pops up. And even though it’s harder, start paying attention to when it isn’t there too. Those are the moments you should really pay attention to.

What are you doing when you feel calm and ready and safe, and how can you bring that with you in the moments you don’t.

This isn’t the time to start making changes and corrections, those will come later. Just start thinking about what could be different.

Asking yourself what would make you fee comfortable in the moments when you feel pinched. Even if it’s not available, it will give you a road map. Things to start changing and tweaking.

Make this new moon about finding moments of safety in a busy life. Find ways to regulate your nervous system that can be put to use in times of need.

Know what you need, even if it feels out of reach right this second.

Aquarius - 10 of Jugs

Alright let’s slow it right down for a moment.

The reason you feel like you never achieve your goals is probably because you don’t stop. You set the next goal and dive straight in. It’s good to be dedicated, but you’re missing the wins you do get by constantly looking ahead.

Give yourself some breathing room and you’ll see that you actually have a lot to celebrate. To have a happy ending you actually need to acknowledge the end of something.

Take a moment to enjoy what your hard work has got you. Look around at all the things in your life that your work made possible.

Endlessly working towards the next goal and the next will feel like a grind. Make sure you can see the definition of your achievements. See them as they come and then take the time to set them aside properly before moving on to the next.

You’ll feel like you actually have things to celebrate when you give yourself the time.

Your goals should be more than a chain of events that only gets longer. Look at each one as a separate entity and you’ll be able to see your achievements for what they are.

Pisces - King of Daggers

You know your own mind, and unfortunately that can make things more difficult rather than easier.

The temptation may be to give in, to not speak up for fear of rocking the boat; but now is the time to stick to your guns.

And look, I’ll be honest, it will probably make your life more difficult in the immediate future. Things that you thought you could count on will fall apart, people you thought would have your back will leave. These are never easy things, but it says more about them than it does about you.

If doing things for the truth of yourself breaks things down, it wasn’t strong enough to begin with.

Find ways to stay to true to yourself and brace for the consequences. What starts out rough, will smooth out. I promise.

When it does, you’ll be able to know that what you’re left with is stronger. You’ll be confident that you didn’t make any excuses along the way. The people and things that have weathered the worst with you are the real deal.

Staying true to yourself, and actually standing up for it will only trim the excess, the decorations that didn’t serve a function. What you’ll be left with are only the elements that make you better.

Alright my friends, I think I speak for a lot of us when I say this eclipse season has been rough, baby.

I hope you can all take a little time around this new moon (eclipse included) to figure out how to move forward in the best possible way.

Happy New Moon (W)(B)itches 💋

Alright, first off what is a “Un-Guide”?

It’s still a guide in that it tells you a bit about the destination in question and offers up some suggestions about where to go and what to do while you’re there.

But an Un-Guide isn’t for tourists. It’s not for people who have a list of sights they want to bang out before moving on to the next one.

It’s the places that you don’t just take a picture of to prove you’ve done it. The places that are more about day to day life than ticking things off a list.

No Hard Rock Cafe’s. Minimal sights. More supermarkets.

This is a two part post that I originally envisioned being released much closer together. But you know what they say about the best laid plans. It feels a little crazy to be releasing this now, since in two weeks I’ll be back in LA and this is essentially me wrapping up my last trip.

Maybe it’s all psychological, I always leave my heart in LA when I go, so I couldn’t finish this post until I knew I’d be back where I belong.

Anyway in part one we covered the bare necessities of Los Angeles - cars, coffee and cocktails.

If you need to catch up, you can find it here!

And now. we’re just gonna pick up exactly where we left off!

Now that you’re well rested and fueled up, it’s time to dive into what LA has on offer to keep you entertained.

LA can be overwhelming, I’ve talked to a lot people who felt like they missed out on things, or didn’t do everything they wanted.

I’m gonna tell you right now, that unless you’ve book a month long holiday with nothing but unhindered free time, you are probably not going to be able to do everything you think you should.

And that is totally OK.

Here’s a little secret for you, Californians, especially Southern Californians, only rush when they have to. An hour lingering in a coffee shop, an afternoon strolling the shops at Century City, an aimless trip to Venice Beach - these things will give you more of the genuine LA experience than constantly being on the move.

This ain’t New York baby!

That said, here are a few spots I think should 100% be on your can’t miss list.

Bookstores

You might find it strange to go to Los Angeles to check out some bookstores, but LA loves a niche and that means you can find some the most unique bookstores in the world here.

What ever genre it is that tickles your fancy, chances are Los Angeles has a book store catered specifically to you. And if you read a range of topics, you are spoilt for choice when it comes to indie booksellers to show some love to.

Obviously my all time favorite is The Ripped Bodice. Even the most casual romance reader probably has this romance only bookstore on their bucket list. With their selection broken down into subcategories (historical, queer, erotica, fantasy to name a few) and even a small section of used treasures, it’s impossible not to find something. I also think you should check out the events. They are usually hosting something, from author signings to bookclubs, a few times a week - and since one of the greatest things about this shop is the community of romance readers they’ve built, taking the opportunity to join in should not be missed.

And I know I covered food back in Part One, but The Ripped Bodice is across Venice Boulevard from an In & Out Burger, which is a California institution you need to experience.

The Last Bookstore is cavernous multi level book lovers dream in downtown LA. Since you’ll already be downtown to go to Cole’s French Dip, you should stop here first. Grab a few books, and read while you snack!

Edit: Since writing these two posts it appears Cole’s French Dip will be closing. This is a fucking tragedy, and you should go while you still have the chance.

They have new and used, and a rotating assortment of galleries and independent shops in the space upstairs. It can feel like a bit of treasure hunt, both for books and all the cool little nooks and crannies hidden around that are just screaming to be photographed.

If you’re just looking for the newest release from your favorite author, Skylight Books is where you should go. It’s a perfect independent bookstore with a dedicated art book annex a few doors down.

Only In LA

There is no place on earth quite like LA.

Sure you can find good restaurants, quirky neighborhoods and bookshops pretty much everywhere, but there are few experiences that can only happen in the City Of Angels.

I know that back in part one, I told you stay in the cool hipster, hill filled neighborhoods of east LA, but if you only have a day or two to spend in LA, I actually think you should stay in Venice.

Venice is kinda like a hyper distilled version of LA. You will get maximum Los Angeles vibes in the shortest time frame, and the smallest area.

Along Venice Beach you will get the slightly trashy 90’s skater vibes, Abbott Kinney will give you the upmarket expensive juices and niche skincare of modern LA, and a walk through the side streets provides a taste of the hang loose beach bums and flea market filled lazy SoCal living.

All within a few blocks walk.

Disneyland.

To Disney or not to Disney is one of the biggest decisions a visitor to LA will face. Being the OG Disney Park, it’s easy think if you’ve been to Disneyworld you can skip Disneyland, but they are very different beasts.

Now if you know Disney or theme parks aren’t for you, fair. Skip it. You have to want it to make it worth it.

But if you think you want it and you’re on the fence, you should do it.

If this is your first time, I think you can skip its next door park, California Adventure, which has separate entrance fee, and just plan to spend a full day at Disneyland.

You will have to budget a fair chunk of change if you’re doing Disney, and it helps to know what kind of experience you want to have.

Your admission gets you pretty much everything, the rides, the shows, the parades, so you can run pretty wild once you make it through the gates. if you’re on a tight budget it helps to bring your own food in.

Yes you can bring as big a picnic as want into the parks, and there are water fountains available everywhere to keep your water bottles topped up. The food racks up, so this can be a big help. 10 bucks for a locker is also a lot less then you would spend on food if you don’t want to lug your bag all day.

If you are there for the overall experience, between bringing your food in and everything Disney has going on, you can get away with a lowish spend day after the admission and parking.

If rides are your main goal, it does help to spring for lightening passes with your admission. With them you can book time slots for certain rides where you get to skip a portion of the line. It takes a little coordination, you have time slots to book, and then you’re booking for a future time slot in line, but with the Disney app it’s more than doable, and you can pretty much double the number of rides you make it on if you play it right.

I think everyone should experience Disneyland at least once. And as a life long Star Wars fan, there are legit parts of Galaxy’s Edge that are done so well I tear up. Rise of The Resistance is TOTALLY FUCKING WORTH IT. I’m not gonna tell you anything else about it, you just have to experience it.

Ok, so after a full of spending at Disney you want something that can still only happen in LA, but that’s kinder on your wallet.

Show tapings.

There are lots of shows that tape with live studio audiences in LA, and they need people in those seats.

Jeopardy is the one I’ve done, and while I am what you would consider a hardcore Jeopardy fan, it’s such a fun a day that you don’t need to watch the show religiously to enjoy the taping.

And, as I said, the taping is free, you just need to register, and the parking in the studio lot is free! It’s like the only free parking in LA, so that alone makes it a sight to behold.

Check On Camera Audiences for shows taping while you’re there and register. My big tip is that since they need a full house, they give out more tickets than there are seats and once you get there it’s first come serve, so get there early.

It was one of the best things I’ve ever done in LA and I would absolutely do it again. It’s a little taste of show business that you can only get in LA. They walk you through the backlots, you get insider Jeopardy knowledge, your self-control is tested beyond belief because you can’t yell out the answers. It’s something you can’t do anywhere else, and did I mention the FREE PARKING.

Jeopardy also tapes a short trip away from the Ripped Bodice so you can get your trivia fix and your smut fix on the same day!

Other Fun Things

If you can’t tell by now, you will not run out of things to in Los Angeles, but here a few more suggestions if you find yourself with a free afternoon.

For the music fans, Permanent Records is a must visit. It’s a bar/record store and is always a fun spot to spend some time. Sick City Records is another little record store, they have a smallish selection of records, but a great selection of vintage band tees and one off screen printed options.

The Crooked Path up in Burbank is the best occult shop I have ever been to. They have a great selection of books, all the tools you could need for your practice, and the best part, a fully stocked herbal apothecary! Witches of all kinds will love this cabinet of curiosities.

If you get the sudden urge to get tattooed while visiting LA, Super Sweet Tattoos is the place you want to go. It steps away from the typical tattoo parlor vibes with an airy, pink and green space. There’s even a coffee shop up front, where you can get an iced matcha while you browse some flash. It’s also unique because the majority of artists they have working them are women, which is something the tattoo world needs more of.

Hopefully you’ve discovered enough here to keep you busy without resorting to thinking filthy sidewalks are must see destinations.

And who knows, with my triumphant Los Angeles return imminent, maybe there’s a part three coming in the future.

Thats the thing about Un-Guides, they’re fluid. We don’t have a static list of places. These guides are designed to move and change with the cities that inspire them.

A city is a living, shifting, breathing thing and the way we travel them should reflect that!

Happy traveling (w)(b)itches!

Just a quick little extra post this week to talk about hair and the moon. Not in werewolf way, unfortunately.

If you don’t follow me on Instagram, you probably don’t know that last weekend I got a haircut. Not a little trim, but a full on chop.

I love it.

I am normally what I call hair lazy. Until last Saturday my previous haircut had been in December. My hair was long not because I had made the conscious decision to have long hair, but because hair grows when you don’t touch it for 9 months.

The decision to chop was something that had been floating on the edges of my consciousness, like something you can’t quite see in the corner of your eye, for a while. Then once I let the idea come front and center there was no stopping me.

Change is something that takes time. I am in a period where I know I absolutely do not want my life to look like it currently does. I’m working towards a total overhaul, and I do things everyday to get me there, but progress is slow. And it often isn’t tangible.

We have all heard dress for the job you want, and that is absolutely valid. The way you present yourself is important, and if you are presenting yourself as the person you want to be, even before you get there, it’s like you’re constantly backing up your statements.

Hair is similar, but I think it lets us go even further. It’s a tangible thing. It’s removing a part of yourself that you have decided is no longer serving you. It’s a reminder that we don’t have to stay the same, a physical marker that lets us track a transformation.

And that’s magic, it’s release.

It’s a decision you’ve made about yourself, and you get to see happen in real time.

For me, this cut was about intention. About taking back some control. Like I said, I never had a moment where I thought, ‘let’s have long hair,’ it just grew.

Similarly, a lot of things I’m unhappy about in my life are things that grew and grew and grew because I was passive.

It isn’t even about becoming someone new. It’s about finally saying this isn’t who I am.

I am not becoming someone new, but I am reasserting myself. Obviously a haircut isn’t the solution to any problem, but it is a promise. That I can be who I want to be. Yes, I have allowed my life to grow in directions I didn’t pick, but I can still prune.

Nothing says “new era” like a fresh chop. Think of all the TV shows where the major character changes are marked with new hair. Buffy comes to mind, that girl never went through a trauma or breakup without following it up with a hair cut.

The visual aid is good. It helps you separate what was, from what is.

Hair holds energy. It carries all the things you went through, it’s a physical thing that was right there with you every step of the way. So when you remove it, you have the chance to let all that go as well. To lighten your load.

A haircut is an active choice, with immediate results. A choice you make about the version of you the world gets to see and the change happens before your eyes. There’s a reason you always feel so good after a haircut. It’s exciting. You feel fresh because you have let go of so much. It’s a claim on who you can be with a little less baggage and it’s empowering.

Seeing as it’s the Full Moon, it’s the perfect time for a little release no matter where you are on your hair journey. Here’s a tarot spread I made that will let you claim some of those hair transformation vibes, even if it’s just spiritually.

And my big takeaway here, is that if hair is a way to assert who you are, all those little maintenance cuts that I wrote off as unimportant, are actually crucial. Little reminders that you choose who you are. Look, I’ll probably never be a person who gets a trim every 6 weeks, but I’m gonna try to commit to at least once every quarter!

Welcome to Lingering Lore, a nostalgic love letter to the pop culture that shaped me. I’ll be rewatching, rereading, and relistening to the bits and pieces of media that had the biggest impact on me. I'll be looking at why I loved it in the first place, and whether or not I still do. I'll be asking if it holds up today and if it's still worth a look? I’ll be exploring where and/or if its influence shows up in more recent things I love. Part pop culture study and part excuse for me to watch the shit I love and call it work!

It's like a deep dive into the archives of Outlaw Witch.

This is the first in what will be a regular feature over here. Part deep dive, part pop culture study, and part excuse for me to watch shit I love and call it work!

We’re starting with Ever After: A Cinderella Story for a few reasons. First, it came at fairly pivotal point of my life. It was released on 31/July/1998, I would have just turned twelve and was of course, obsessed with body glitter, as all good twelve year old girls were in 1998. I also have it on DVD. Which I feel is very telling in terms of its lasting impact on me. I, an almost 40 year old woman with multiple streaming subscriptions, own this teen period romance as a piece of physical media. I also owned it on VHS, and a previous DVD which I gave away when I moved to Europe. So see, it’s always been important.

At twelve, I was probably on the younger end of the target audience for this film, but still the perfect age to be completely taken with it.

Ever After is a Cinderella retelling that takes away the magic, pumpkins, and insta-romance for a love story a little more rooted in reality. And definitely a lot more feminist.

My memory is that it was heavily marketed towards teen girls. For months there was not a single teen magazine that did not have the full page glossy print add for it. I am 100% positive that I had more than one version on my walls. Seventeen Magazine did a cover story with Drew Barrymore in full costume. It was ICONIC.

Drew Barrymore was not only the star, but one of the producers and heavily involved with the creation of the movie. In 2023 People Magazine quoted her as saying,

I was in my early 20s and then I was trying to start a company and wanted to tell stories and make films and that particular messaging that you can rescue yourself and you don't have to wait to be rescued is definitely the thing that set me up best in my life.

Considering everything Barrymore had been through in her life up to that point, her emphasis on rescuing yourself is especially poignant.

And this Cinderella absolutely does rescue herself.

Ever After’s Cinderella has a name, Danielle de Barbarac, which is the first step this movie takes in establishing a fairy tale with more depth. It establishes her a person with goals, desires and agency.

In many versions Cinderella is a bit of nothing character, you feel sorry for her, you want better for her, but she is someone who things happen to, instead of having any real agency for herself.

Straight away Danielle is different, we meet her as child who despite her privileged up bringing loves playing in the mud, and besting her male best friend. We see that she is already close to and respectful of the servants who surround her. Which makes their acceptance and care of her later make sense, and also establishes her connection to the people and places that surround her.

If you’ve ever wondered why Cinderella doesn’t just runaway, because surely anything would be better than what she’s got. Danielle has very good reasons not to. She is worried about what would happen to the rest of the servants, to her friends, if she leaves, she is worried about what would happen to her home, her father’s legacy, without her. Her goal is not to fall in love or even be princess, her goal is to bring her home back to how it existed when it was run by her altruistic father, instead of her evil step mother.

This seems like as good a place as any to go on a little Angelica Huston tangent. She is wonderful in the movie. The movie doesn’t really make any attempts to soften the Evil Stepmother. It could have an humanized her; she certainly has a tragic back story. You have to assume when she marries Danielle’s father she is already a widow, because as the Queen of France says in this movie “divorce is only something they do in England.” She loses two husbands, and is left to fend for herself and daughters in a world none to kind to women.

But keeping her evil feels like the bolder choice. Let people be villains! We do get a sympathetic moment into her background, but while it gives us more understanding of her, it certainly doesn’t make her likable, or even an misunderstood antihero. You need an actor of Angelica Huston’s ability to pull this off. We get a truly evil villain, who isn’t given redemption, and yet she never feels like a cartoon character.

Except for her eyebrows of course. My notes simply say “Angelica Huston’s Eyebrows!” All caps and underlined. Mary Sollosi puts it better in her Entertainment Weekly rehash of the movie at it’s 20th anniversary

It was 1998, okay? Everyone overplucked. But Huston can do with one skinny little '90s eyebrow what most actresses couldn't with Cara Delevingne's

Between this and The Addams Family films, Angelica is the undisputed 90’s queen of eye brow emoting.

I have watched Ever After a few times in my adult life, as a movie it does a lot of the things I have always liked, but this was the first time I attempted to be at least a little bit objective in my viewing.

It’s not perfect. The philosophical discussions, most based on Thomas More’s Utopia, feel both heavy handed, and insufficient, but they do what the need - which is to show us how differently Danielle and Prince Henry view the world. It also never quite seems to settle on a genre. Rom-com? Melodrama? Historical? It pulls off the mashup more often than it doesn’t, but some shifts still feel jarring.

If you are a person who cannot suspend a healthy amount of disbelief, or want your discussions of class and monarchy and social responsibility rooted in reality and not idealization, this is probably not for you.

But ultimately it holds up. And it holds up for one major reason. It gives us a genuinely feminist feeling romance, which is something we still don’t see enough. This is a movie primarily for young women and teenagers, and it provides them with an honestly inspiring romance that doesn’t talk down to them.

Danielle is smarter than Henry. She is braver than him. She is better read. She is kinder and more thoughtful. She thinks about the world around her. She is independent and spontaneous. And the movie never makes her dim these qualities.

Henry starts out as a spoiled dweeb, and that’s kinda all you can say about him.

However, he fulfills what I call the “Mr. Darcy Archetype.” Which is another thing that makes this film so important for young women. Henry puts the fucking work in, and he doesn’t do it for show.

When she chastises him for how the King and Monarchy treat the lower classes and “criminals” he listens. He takes her words on board, considers them and realizes that she may be right. So he takes it to his dad, you know the king, and starts asking about policy change.

And he does this when he thinks he’ll probably never see her again. It’s not about impressing her, or winning her over. He takes her criticism and starts making corrections, because he realizes that he was in the wrong.

This also extends to the romance. Henry starts the film not wanting to get married, and not really open to the idea of romance or love, but as he spends more time with Danielle, he starts to open himself up to it. It isn’t love at first sight, it has nothing to do with a beautiful dress or her tiny feet. It’s because she challenges him and makes him think. Rachel over at Hamlette’s Soliloquy says it perfectly,

He pursues her not because he is already in love with her, but because he wants to understand her, to get to know her. And by doing those two things, he then begins to fall in love with her.

For her part, Danielle is at first totally uninterested in a spoiled, dweeby, little prince. It’s only after she starts to see the changes she’s inspired that she considers him seriously. It’s seeing the work he puts in, the way he backs up his promises with real world action, and the way he begins to fight for his own independence that makes him a viable love interest for her.

It’s a romance built on mutual interests, conversations about the world, and proving that your word is good over and over.

And true to Barrymore’s mission, Danielle does rescue herself. When her step mother essentially sells her to pay off a debt, Danielle frees herself. She does it by thinking quick, by knowing how to sword fight, and knowing her worth.

So when Henry rocks up half cocked, a day late and a dollar short, Danielle is already walking out of the castle a free woman.

She doesn’t need Henry, but she chooses him, because he’s proved himself to her. It’s message that is sorely lacking in romance. Especially those aimed at young women.

I also need to mention the other bait and switch this movie pulls in terms of turning predictable romance around.

Danielle’s childhood best friend, Gustave is not in love with her.

Where so many films give us a love triangle, or worse a “Ducky Situation” where the male best friend believes he is entitled to the girls love, and angry about not receiving what’s owed to him, this film gives us Gustave.

He is supportive. He wants her to succeed in romance, and he wants to be her friend. He knows that these things are not mutually exclusive. And it may not seem like a big deal, but it happens so rarely in romance movies, especially teen romances, that it’s worth mentioning.

Ever After delivers exactly the kind of empowering romance that all people deserve, but that young women especially need to have reinforced.

So yes, it holds up.

I feel like I’ve been chasing the Ever After high my whole life.

Cinderella variants are not uncommon across all romance genres, but the high romance vibes Ever After serves up are most relevant in romance novels.

Romance novels are obsessed with giving us “independent women.” These books give us women who are mouthy and stubborn, but unfortunately they often lack a fundamental understanding of cause and effect, or any ability to understand the context of the situation they are in. All they are is mouthy and stubborn.

If you so called independence only serves to keep you on the back foot and puts you in harms way because being “independent” is more important than reason, I’m sorry, but I don’t want it.

I was raised on Ever After. Danielle cries, she gets angry, she has fun, she knows when to walk away and she knows when to threaten to slice a man “navel to nose.”

Ever After set a standard that very few things live up to, and the world is worse off for it.

Of course the marker of a truly influential piece of media is how quotable it is, so Lingering Lore will also be asking the all important question, Do I quote it?

Ever After may have a lot of great lines, but it never entered my personal vernacular like other things we’ll be covering here.

However, when I have a total over the top reaction to a relatively minor inconvenience (happens a lot), I do often say, “there was a bee” in a meek and tiny voice. No one ever gets it.

So there you have it, 12 year old Bronwyn absolute knew what was what. 39 year old Bronwyn wishes more romances today would sit up and take notes on everything Ever After does right.

Stick around, because we’re shifting gears for the next edition of Lingering Lore, The Rocky Horror Picture Show is up next! But when you think about it, it also has castles, transformation and personal growth stemming from the application of glitter makeup, and Richard O’Brian, so they are basically the same!